TEACH ME PROFESSOR [Elizabeth Olsen]

Chapter 85 - Man/ipulate

LIZZIE'S POV

I can't close my eyes.
Panic flares up inside me.
Guilt creeps up my body until it tightens around my neck making me short of breath.
I breathe trying to calm myself, but I feel my heart in my throat and the air is stifling.
I roll onto my hips to look at y/n, who is peacefully sleeping as her arm wraps around my belly.
I find comfort in her features illuminated by the moonlight, the air she inhales and exhales through her slightly open mouth, the way her body warms me.
It's absurd how just some time ago i was sharing this bed with someone else, with the same man i married and now sentenced to years in prison.
How did we get to this point?
I wonder if this was actually the only way forward, maybe there was a way to salvation, a happy ending for everyone.

I decide to get out of bed, aware that i can no longer sleep, but i feel y/n ruffling between the covers.
"Mmm Liz? What are you doing?" she grumbles with her eyes closed
"Nothing honey, i'm just going to get a glass of water" i say leaning towards her to leave a kiss on her forehead, she smiles like a child and holds the sheet in her hands.
"Okay...but hurry please" she says sleepily, i get up and go downstairs.
As i head into the kitchen, i can't help but glance at the pictures of Robbie and me.
For some strange reason, even though he hasn't lived with me for a while, i've never been able to took them away.
I approach and grab the picture in my hands, running my fingers over the dusty frame and getting lost in that photo.

The picture:

I remember everything about that trip, about the magic that surrounded us.
We were happy, in love and that's where he had proposed to me to get married.
They're been wonderful days and now i wonder, where those two people in love have gone?
I loved Robbie so much and for a long time i thought i would grow old with him, that we would build a family and instead it's like if we both woke up from a spell, revealing ourselves to each other for who we really are.
He had become so violent and mean to me, completely uninterested in his wife.
I spent nights and nights waiting for him to finish his concerts, but he never came back, he was always in someone else's bed.
He hurt me, but then why do i feel so guilty?
Why can't i accept that he will spend years in prison?
My attention then falls on my wedding ring, which hugs my finger.
Why am i still wearing it?
I mean yes, we are still married, or at least until tomorrow when i'll ask him to sign the divorce papers.
Will i really be able to look at his face and be strong enough?
I'm afraid, i'm afraid of being weak in front of him, in front of the love i've felt for him over the years.
Because as much as i hate him, he's been what i thought my true love was, but i was wrong.

I take the ring off my finger and open some drawers, in one of them I find a box.
Perfect.
I open it and inside i find all the notes he wrote for his new songs, all dedicated to me.
I close my eyes sighing for a moment and then i put my wedding ring in there, close the box and put it back in the drawer.
At that moment i feel two arms surrounding me from behind, an inebriating scent invading my nostrils and a warmth that brings my heartbeat back to normal.
"Hey" she whispers in my ear
"I told you to hurry, i hate when you're not next to me" she leaves me a trail of kisses in the hollow of my neck.
"Sorry, i couldn't sleep" i admit, massaging the finger that used to have the wedding ring on.
"I know little bear, but i'm here you know that right? you can talk with me Liz" she says with her gentle and calming voice.
But what exactly should i tell her?
That i'm having regrets that i sentenced Robbie to a life in prison?
She'll think i don't love her or that i've chosen him again, but i'm not.
I just hate when things get out of hand and wonder if i've done enough, if i'm enough.
And i'm afraid of being exposed, of my life being exposed and in such a situation, with your husband convicted of being a criminal, the rumors would immediately spread.
And then? What else will they say?
What if they all find out about me and y/n?
"I know my love, i just feel...overwhelmed by everything that happened" i say in a cracked voice
"Okay hey look at me" she gently takes my arm and turns me in her direction, then cupping my face in her hands.
"You don't have to feel guilty okay? It's not your fault, Lizzie. Sometimes we can't be in control of everything, especially people and the decisions they make in their lives. Don't let people abuse your kindness and your gentle heart. You can't hurt yourself like this, Liz" she explains stroking my cheeks with a soft touch, i just nod unsure of what to say.
"Hey can you look at me?" she asks me, so i look up, getting lost in her reassuring eyes
"Don't punish yourself okay? Don't blame yourself, because sometimes we have to be selfish, make choices... but it's the only way to keep our happiness and well-being close. And the hardest choices, those are the ones that will make the difference. So be patient babe, be kind to yourself and when you have doubts, remember why you did it, remember the hurt he did to you" her words sound like a sigh of relief blowing through me.
I don't say anything, i just put my hand on her cheek and smile at her, leaning in and leave a kiss on her soft lips.
"I love you" i whisper
"I love you too little bear. And hey, remember you're not alone. I'm here with you, always" in moments like these i realize it's people like her i have to keep close to.
She really loves me, takes care of me and does everything to make me happy.
And i love our relationship, we're always there for each other and we're learning to deal with things in the best way.
For a long time i thought i deserved what i had with Robbie, but looking at her now i realize that after all i deserve this, i deserve her, i deserve to be happy.