Struggling to Connect: The 6th Book

Chapter 29: Talks

I head out of the cell a few hours later to talk to Daryl, I find him sitting on the porch above the cell, the night already taking over the sky and the street empty of all life. I sit a step below him, and he says, "what happened between you and Negan?"

I glance over my shoulder at him, and ask, "the truth?" He bites his bottom lip with a slight hesitation but nods, I tell him truthfully, "I like him. or Liked. I don't know. But him and I have a lot in common," Daryl scoffs, stopping me from going on and I ask, "what?"

"I dunno how anyone thinks they are similar to that asshole." He mutters.

I protest, "takes time to get to know someone... you know that. Took us quiet awhile before you were comfortable with me." I remind him, "and I had time. He had time, obviously."

"What do you have in common? Huh?" He pushes, disdain for the main clearly still sitting on his tongue.

I say the first thing that comes to my head, "we both hurt people we loved really bad. We dealt with it in unhealthy ways. We both lost things that were important to us."

"Whatdoyamean?" he asks back in one breath, not fully following.

I sigh and turn my body slightly to face him better before explaining, "Negan lost his freedom, his wife. I lost my daughter and my husband."

His face contorts a little and he replies with hurt in his voice, "yew neva lost me."

I shake my head, "I did. And that's okay. People grow a part. I see that now. But it was hard for awhile, I was lost for a bit. And so was he, and we helped each other out. He helped me find some form of happiness after us, and then when that was taken away, he was there for me when no one else was."

"I was right—" Daryl goes to say back.

I shake my head and interrupt, "everyone here was trying to push me to be okay, to accept what happened as a sign of fate or something and push through. To be okay and move forward because we had to! But Negan let me," I pause and correct myself, "lets me just be broken."

"Broken?" Daryl mimics my last word.

I nod and continue to spill my thoughts out, "I can't sleep, Daryl. The nightmares are too much. I hate leaving these walls, I hate leaving that cell. Because when I leave that cell I have to be strong, I have to fight and I have to function. But down there" I point down below me, "I can just be.." I trail off trying to find the words, "whatever I need to be."

Daryl asks a question I know is hard for him to ask, "he doesn't make yew wanna hurt yourself, does he?"

"Hey" I grab his knee form the step below where I sit, "that was never on you." He's looking away from me and I squeeze his leg to get his attention. When our eyes lock, I assure to him, "cutting was my old way of dealing with pain. I don't do that anymore. And sure, sometimes that urge is there but it's not like before."

"Cause of him?" He asks.

I nod, "yea, and you. Anna. Judith. A lot of people. I learned these past few years how important I really am to these people, I learned I am more to them than Daryl's wife, or Negan's friend. I know not everyone would understand it, but I no longer am asking them too. Im just doing what I need to do for me. And if that means spending time down in a cell for a couple hours every few days, so be it."

Daryl nods slightly as he takes in what I told him. He doesn't say anything for a long time and I eventually lean my head into my hands, resting on my knees enjoying the quiet between us. Eventually, he says, "so what you gon' do now that he's gone? Just stay in the cell?"

I shrug my head into my shoulder, "I'm not sure yet, but I don't think there's gonna be much downtime anyway with Alpha's horde out there, so I'll just manage."

"Can I offer ta help?" He asks. I nod and wait for him to elaborate, "when yer ready to sleep, why don't ya come over? Dog likes you better anyway, he can keep ya company. I promise you can just be whatever you need ta be when yer there."

"Ya?" I sit up on the step, "that sounds like a nice idea. Thanks, Daryl." He nods and the two of us stand up. I move up a step to give him a hug and whisper, "thanks for understanding."

"Mm" he hugs back briefly, and asks, "yew goin back down there tonight?"

"I don't think she should really be alone just yet." I confide, "but I'll come and find ya tomorrow, yah?"

He nods and goes up to head inside and I go down back into the cell. I quietly tip toe in, but know she will wake up to the cell door creaking, "what are you doing back down here?" She mutters as she faces the wall.

"Hoping to get some rest." I simply respond, knowing she's not ready to talk yet. She doesn't respond and I prop myself against a wall and wait to fall asleep.

"Sadie, Sadie!" Lydia is standing above me, having shaken me awake, "you alright?"

"Ya, I'm fine." I lie, blinking my eyes tight to prevent tears from falling, "thanks."

"My mom?" She asks, still standing. I nod to confirm, and close my eyes as if I'm going to go back to sleep. Instead, Lydia takes a seat next to me, "I know my mom sees the world differently, but I don't understand why she spared you and Siddiq. Did she tell you?"

"She wanted Siddiq to tell the story about what happened and she wanted me to watch out for you." I tell her openly.

"But you hate me." She replies, "everyone does."

I correct her, "we hate your mom. And a lot of us don't.. didn't see the difference for a long time."

"I'm sorry for what she did." She says.

I shake my head, "you didn't do it, Lydia. I know you've been told this before, but you aren't your mother or the choices she made. That is on her."

"But they affect me. So it's like they are my choices." She explains.

I sigh and sit up to sit criss cross to talk to her, "you have to figure that out on your own. We can tell you till we're blue in the face that it doesn't matter, but until you believe it, you're going to feel bad for yourself. You're going to get lost here. And this isn't the place you want to feel lost in. This is the future. Out there, that's what's lost."

"I don't see a future anywhere." She says.

"You will." I pat her hand where it rests on her leg. I stand up to leave, "look, you know you don't belong down here, so I'm going to give you some time to really think about what you want."

"Ok" she quietly answers, standing up to head back to the bed.

"And Lydia?" I say as I open the door to the stairs, she eyes me for what I'm going to say, "thanks for waking me up." we both smirk at one another and I leave the jail, wandering around the town a few hours until the sun rises.