whispers to sunflowers

Untitled Part 17

I've found myself in a predicament. I am unabashedly, fully, wholly, and intrinsically a lover. I am a lover of poetry, of art, of people, and of love. Tuesday morning bus rides are full of daydreams of holding hands, picnic dates, and wondering if my person is out there searching for me. I fall asleep in the comfort they are waiting for me too. At least, most days, I do; some days, I fall asleep next to the small puddles my tears have created. Being alone is my fear; so scared I will end up sleeping by myself. I want to feel butterflies all over again. I want to feel the radiance of one's eyes when they examine your features lovingly. I want peppered kisses, enlocked hands, naps on the couch together, and 2 am Facetime calls.

I want to hear my name in a sleep-stricken voice, saying good morning. The savory smell of food wafting through our small home as I turn the corner to see my lover dancing in the kitchen. My heart will soar when they take my hand and spin me around. When I ache, I'll find comfort in them being by my side, even if their presence is silent. I want the blues. I want to find solace in us working through things together. I'll celebrate them on their bad days and support them through their best. I want romantic love. I want to be loved. I want to know what it feels like.

.

And so, I chase, and I long. I fall in love every day. I fall for the girl who makes me laugh or the boy who always pays for my dinner on dates. And when she no longer makes jokes or when he says he can't see me anymore, I strive to make squares fit into circles. I cry deep tears over relationships I have pushed myself into. I ask – I beg the universe to bring me solace, and I once again find myself alone. 

I am unabashedly, fully, wholly, and intrinsically a lover, and every day I search for my person. I know when they come to me, they will be as ready for me as I am for them. But until then, I find myself in a predicament.