Dear Diary

January 1

Dear Diary,
The beginning of a new year is supposed to be filled with happiness. My happiness is gone. It left.

I've been having dreams of dying lately. One night it was drowning.

I was swimming in the ocean and the next thing I know, salt water invades my lungs and it was so damn hard to breathe, even though it was just a dream.

It was just a dream.

The next was you had your hand around my neck, like many times before. Purple circles still tattoo my body. I want them to stay forever. They're the only things I have left of you.

The next dream was unfamiliar. I was walking past a dark ally and I was pulled into the darkness. I woke up in a basement with you above me.

Yes, I was used to your abuse but I never thought I'd see you so happy.

I liked seeing you happy, so I just laid there. I didn't look scared. I looked ready. Ready to die.

You had chains locked tightly around my wrists and ankles. There was blood everywhere, but I couldn't feel a thing.

I was used to cuts and bruises by now, too.

You kept laughing and I don't know why. You were laughing like a little boy in a toy shop.

Dear god, you were having the time of your life! I was prepared. I wanted to make you happy. Wanted you to love me, to want me.

You kept laughing, even when men I didn't recognize came in the room and I noticed I wasn't wearing any clothing.

They looked at me like I was a play thing and like they owned me.
But you just kept laughing like it was the funniest thing in the world.

They kept taking turns. The first man was a middle aged white with a dirty beard. He looked rough. On drugs.

He forced my thighs apart, and even then I didn't scream or cry because I thought that this made you happy.

You just laughed some more. I didn't enjoy it at all.

The second man was a lot more rough. He picked me up and threw me against the wall. My back hit bricks and it didn't feel good, but once again your happiness was mine.

I think those dreams are trying to tell me something. Maybe that I should be the one dead instead of you.

A/N: First Chapter. I've been writing more. Right now I'm working on three stories, but yeah. I just finished up with school so expect regular updates. Yes, this is confusing. it's meant to be.