The Griever

Storms of Grief

Blaise was a part of Pansy, heart and soul.
He couldn't just leave her like that. He wasn't dying, not today, she'd decided. He couldn't. He couldn't leave her. She wouldn't make it. He'd spent months, maybe even years, preparing her for this moment so he could know that she would move on without him. But she wasn't that strong. She couldn't do it. How would she get up in the morning with half her heart gone? Half her soul gone? She couldn't. She couldn't keep going without him. Did she tell him that? Did he know that? She was holding onto his hand as he was wheeled forward. She was telling him this. Telling him she couldn't live without him. That he was her heart and soul. He clutched her hand and nodded. He told her that she was his heart and soul too.

She kept talking. She didn't know what she was saying. She didn't know what she said and what she just thought. She had to say all the things he needed to hear. She loved him so so much. She kept talking even after a healer pulled her away from his stretcher, pushing her away so he could be wheeled into the emergency room.

She collapsed on the floor in front of the doors and sobbed, screaming with pain as she watched him disappear from her view because she knew that her heart and soul wouldn't make it the same way she knew that her fingers would move if her brain willed them too. She screamed until someone's arms surrounded her, pulling her away from the door. She screamed until the other half of her heart and soul left her, tunneling under the cracks in the doors to find the rest of themselves. She screamed until there was nothing left of her, willing with all her energy that he would come back with the pieces of her heart and soul and they would all be back together again.

By the time the healer came to say they were sorry, Pansy had no tears left to cry. They had all fallen to the ground, pooling around her with the remaining pieces of her heart and soul, ripped from her body in mourning. The words didn't sink in at first, even though she'd heard them before. She sat there silently as if still hoping that the healer would proclaim a miraculous recovery. But there was no great proclamation, and the pieces of Pansy remained broken by the floor, circling her feet aimlessly.

A distant voice asked her something, but she couldn't understand what it was. Everything sounded like she'd stuck her head underwater, distant and warped. She wanted to turn toward the voice, but her body wasn't listening to her brain. Her heart and soul, gone in an instant. She wanted to cry, she might have been. She couldn't tell. She couldn't feel her face. Or the rest of her. Blaise. He was gone. Forever. He would never be with her again. She wanted to scream. She might have been. Her hands were clutching something tightly, though what, she had no clue. She felt that if she let go, the pieces of her would float away, searching for him. She needed to steel herself. She needed to think. She was rational, it was her thing. She'd watched people die before. Friends and family members had died around her. She had to get through this. But she couldn't.

The deaths of the others hadn't torn her heart and soul apart like this. She'd loved many of them, sure, and pieces of her soul had went with them, but none of them were like Blaise. Blaise and Pansy had known each other for so long that it was difficult to tell where one ended and the other started. They were one. They shared a mind, a heart, and a soul. They were two halves of the same coin. What was she supposed to do without her other half? She screamed, she was sure she was yelling this time, but nothing could convey her grief. Nothing could tell those around her how she was being ripped apart right now. No sound could ever make them understand.

She screamed until her voice was hoarse with grief. Her hands clutched fabric as she screamed, something deep and guttural within her that she hadn't seen since she was a child. Her Blaise, gone. She yelled and yelled until she didn't know if any sound came out. He couldn't be gone. Not yet. She still needed to tell him so much. She still needed to explore the world with him. They hadn't done the things they needed to. He couldn't die. Not yet. She needed him. She needed him with her now. She needed to reach out and feel his warm arms in hers. She screamed more when someone tried to calm her down. She screamed and screamed even as healers tried to talk to her.