all these reasons | BSD [odazai]

5

Chapter warning:
- explicit sexual content

Reason #5: his warmth

The unrelenting crawl of time begins to pick up its pace as the summer wears on, each day somehow feeling faster than the last. With harvest season upon them, the farm work is even more demanding than usual. As it turns out, running a farm with only three people is an ungodly amount of work — Dazai isn't sure how they did it before with only the two of them. The farm occupies his mind better than he expected, the combination of physical labor and musing about his brother reducing the intrusive voices to only murmurs.

His time working together with Oda was short-lived. Once he could complete the general tasks around the farm independently, there was no longer any reason for him to work directly with either of his family members. Although Dazai enjoys the solitude of working on his own, he can't help but be disappointed that the opportunities to see Oda alone have become so few and far between, usually not more than enough time to hold eye contact for an extra few seconds or touch hands a little longer than necessary.

As for the driving lessons, those were canceled early on. Dazai managed to beg Gen'emon to let them off an hour early one afternoon to give it a go, but the problem with living in a flat area with hardly any trees is that working in the field provided Gen'emon front row seats for Dazai nearly crashing the truck into a telephone pole. It turns out that driving a truck is a little harder than driving a tractor. Dazai can't fault his father for wanting to keep their only vehicle in running condition.

Their days off are a thing of the past as well. For now, Gen'emon says. Only for now.

They can relax once the harvest is done.

Dazai dreams of Oda often, longs for him. The taste of cigarettes. The warm abrasive sensation of his face pressed to skin. How his large hands, calloused from the work on the farm, wrap perfectly around the curve of his waist as if they were always meant to fit there. And as the summer continues, he can't help but worry he might not get another chance. Sure, there are always the evenings, but they're usually dead tired from the day and Gen'emon's bedroom is directly below Oda's, preventing Dazai from risking a nightly visit. Not to mention the way sound carries through the house like the walls were made of paper. What's more, he's not even sure if Oda wants another chance. Maybe he regrets it. Maybe he thinks Dazai is strange. Maybe he's grateful they are so busy with the approaching harvest. His quiet nature has always kept Dazai guessing at the best of times.

The answer to his rumination comes a few weeks later when Dazai wakes in the middle of the night to a hand over his mouth and a blurry shadow leaning over top of him. His whole body tenses in panic as he feels a scream building in his chest, but he relaxes when he hears Oda's voice in his ear the next moment.

"Hey, shh, it's just me," he says gently as his strong fingers relax their grip.

The shadow shifts back and the weak moonlight streaming in through the window brings his brother's face into view.

"Odasaku," Dazai whispers his name longingly as the hand moves to stroke his hair.

Oda is here. Oda still wants him. His eyes feel heavy as if he might cry from the sheer relief of it all. The bed dips as Oda's warmth runs along him before hands are pulling him onto his side to fit his back up against his brother's chest. Dazai flinches a little at the ticklish sensation of Oda pressing his face into the crook of his neck, inhaling deeply.

"Mmm Osamu," he says, voice deep with exhaustion from the day. "I missed you."

It seems silly that they would miss each other when they literally live together, but with how hectic everything has been Dazai really has missed him. And he loves hearing that his brother feels the same way — it's the confirmation he's been looking for. He can't help but wish things were different, though. That everything was a little less complicated. That Oda wasn't his brother. That they had met in some coffee shop, library, or college course; fallen head-over-heels just like the stories of lovers' first encounter. That he had been born male. Instead, they have to sneak around under the cover of night, fated to only see each other at the most inauspicious of times.