We Can Help

Chapter Eight

"Your body language says otherwise. Your faced away from me, your legs are bouncing and your body is scrunched up as if you don't want me to look at you. Even just in the lobby you weren't like this, so, who hurt you?" She said looking Buck in the eyes.

"What.... Nobody." Buck said looking grossed out.
How had this lady figured out he was uncomfortable in a matter of seconds?
"It was somebody. I can't help you if you don't tell me......." The therapist said again.
"...." Buck didn't speak. He told himself he would never tell anyone that that therapist had assaulted him, it didn't even count anyways, he enjoyed it.

"Was it a woman?" She tried.
Buck nodded.
"I see........ would you like to talk about why you came in here today?" She said changing the topic since Buck seemed like he was gonna cry.
"My boss- friend- dad figure." Buck said squinting the more he described Bobby.
"Your file says you Selfharm. Do you want to tell me about that?"
"Uh...... I dunno........ I hurt myself sometimes...?"
"So you want to stop?"
"...... no........... not really........."
Buck nearly laughed as he realized he didn't care about himself enough to want to quit.
"When was the last time you self harmed?"
"Like- 10 days—? Unless you count like- scratching myself with my finger nails...... then like 4...?"
"Let's just say 10. That's already 10 days clean, so why did you stop if you don't want to get clean?"
"Bobby.... Uh- my friend-boss-roommate....?-dad figure.... He uh- he took my- uh- things- uh razors.......... He said I can ask to use them whenever I want but he waits outside the bathroom- so- so I can't.............."
"I see. Do you have any coping mechanisms?"
"Uh— I don't know........... uh- I run sometimes......"
"Ah- running. Yes, so our session will be over soon, so I have some homework for you by next weeks session. I want you to run every time you feel the need to hurt yourself, okay?"
"..... okay........"

And Buck did.
Everyday, every time he wanted to cut he ran. He ran mile after mile after mile but it was never enough. He didn't need running, he needed a blade.

One morning after a three mile long run Buck went to a hardware store and went up and down the aisles looking for something. After walking a few aisles he found what he wanted; a box cutter, and grabbed it.
Buck walked up to the counter grabbing some box tape too so it didn't look weird and made small talk with the cashier while he was checking him out.
"So you moving or something?" The cashier asked while checking his ID to make sure he's over 18.
"Uh yeah, I'm moving out of my apartment."
The cashier handed him his ID and buck handed him a 20 dollar bill.
"Your change is 12.40."
Buck smiled and took his change and his bag.
Buck walked the rest of the way to Bobby and Athenas house, he put the box cutter in his pocket just in case Bobby or Athena wanted to know what was in his bag, and he used his spare key to open the door.
"Hey Buck where have you been? I tried calling, you had me worried." Bobby said looking relieved.
"Sorry I needed some tape and I went on a run." He said grabbing the tape from the plastic bag and throwing it in the trash.
"Oh, okay, just leave a note or something next time?"
"Mhm................... Hey where's Athena?" Buck looked around.
"She had to work a double so it's just us tonight, so what do you say we watch a movie?"
"Uh yeah, sorry not tonight I'm gonna uh- I'm gonna be busy you know?" Buck responded rubbing his neck and going to his room.

Buck shut the door and laid down. He got out his newly purchased Box Cutter and pushed the blade up

Rinnnnnnngggggg rinnnnnnngggg

It was Eddie calling.
Buck hesitated and after the third ring he picked it up.
"Hey Eddie, what's up?" Buck said still touching the blade, which was now against his wrist.
"Hey Evan, so you know how we planned a date soon? Well I'm off shift tomorrow and- your still on leave, so I was wondering if you wanted to go do something?" Eddie said using Bucks real name, which he didn't do often.
"Uh- yeah! Yeah sure! I'd love too. Uh- how about we have another kinda- like- casual couch date or something—? I don't really feel like going in public........- it's- uh it's.......... It's like that sometimes..."
"I get it, sometimes Christopher can't deal with people so we have to order in, he doesn't like how people stare at him and try to help him with stuff he can do himself." Eddie said with a chuckle, "it's okay really, I would love to help you recharge your social battery."
Buck smiled and put the box cutter down, continuing to talk with Eddie.
By the time the two boys stopped talking it was already 1 AM, by that point Buck was too tired to hurt himself and he didn't want too do it right after talking to Eddie, it felt weird, like a betrayal.
Buck put the box cutter in his sock drawer under his socks, and went to bed.

"Good morning Buck."
"Morning." Buck said tired. It was 7 AM.
"Woah what did you stay up all night?" Bobby asked with a chuckle.
"Mm.... Something like that...." Buck said.
"Well here's breakfast, it's pancakes and eggs."
"Uh- thanks but I'm gonna go on a run first." Buck said putting on his running shoes
"You've been running a lot lately......."
"Yeah it's a good work out." Buck said walking out the door saying "bye!!" And starting on his run.
The real reason he was going on a run is because he had the urge to hurt himself but he didn't want to do it before his hang out with Eddie or he would be sore.
Buck probably ran 4 miles before he was satisfied.

————
AN: I'm in A fire fighter course and we got issued the gear today and it's SOOOO hot and heavy I felt like a marshmallow. Also it took me like 45 seconds to do the whole thing- plus we had to put our gear in a certain way like real firemen.