My Life

Feeling like the worst person

I don't know why but all I feel is pain deep in my soul. Not a physical pain. But I feel like I'm breaking. For some reason right now, my patience & my emotions r everywhere. My cat has been meowing outside my bedroom door & for no reason at all, I can't stand it. It pisses me off for no reason & I've reached a low point, & I was throwing my softest shoe at him, to point I repeatedly throw it at him.

And before any of u can call me an animal abuser, trash, worthless, & deserve no animals, trust me I'm already doing exactly that. Because I've never lost it like that before & I've never been like that with my troublemaker cat. I want to die, I'm the worst. Honestly I hate myself so much right now & no one can hate me as much as I hate myself right now. I love animals so much & something came over me & I was screaming so loudly. *Sighs deeply & curls up into a ball.* I hate myself so much & I've been thinking about rehoming my cat. But I'm not usually like that with him. I may scream at him, & get after him but what consumed me earlier I don't think it was me. Because I've never been like that with him. I'm an empath & often times other's emotions take over me, & sometimes without me knowing a damn demon or something possesses me & makes me do something I've never done before to my poor fur babies.

I want to die. I deserve to die. But I couldn't do anything to stop what was happening except to isolate myself in my bedroom. But that didn't do anything. I'm the worst & I deserve to die. That's how I feel. No one can make me feel any worse than I already do. I'm in tune with the spiritual realm & sometimes demons or other being's subtly affect me, & I don't even realize it till later.

I have bipolar, I'm on the autism spectrum, I have ADHD, I'm Transgender, an empath, & in tune with the spiritual realm & right now this disgusting period is happening & I have been living with my hatred, my disgust, of my soul being born in the wrong damn body. I'm a guy, not a damn girl. And it always pisses me off when someone tries & tells me what the fuck I am. I know I'm a guy, without a fucken doubt. But looking like a female when I know I'm a guy, has had a really bad affect on my mental health, my emotional health, & my self-esteem. I'm not the real me. And being an empath & in tune with the spiritual realm & people's emotions, & with my disabilities & being transgender means my days r not like everyone else's. Often I'm screaming at my cat, or my poor sweet Leona. And they both know its not the real me, they both know I love them so fucken much & I wouldn't hesitate to die to protect them. They know that I'm different & sometimes I can't help or control my actions & I'm always trying so hard to control myself. *Tears start falling down my face.* To not hurt them unintentionally & I always want to kill myself when I do. Because knowing I hurt my poor sweet Leona, or my cat Vegeta, it consumes me, & I hate myself more & more, & I want to die more & more & I never mean to hurt them. And I need them so much & living with knowledge I've unintentionally hurt them.......none of u can imagine how much I beat myself up, & break knowing I hurt my precious little baby girl, or my troublemaker black panther. *Hic!* And then I was raised that if ur kid misbehaves, spank them! Well that didn't work on me, instead it lead me to hating my great aunt/mom. Lead to me wishing & hoping she die, or gets killed every time she spanked me & it never did me any good at all. *Hic!* Instead it made me hate her, want, hope & wish she would die. And her spanking me, only traumatized me. And unfortunately I have been like that to my baby girl Leona & my troublemaker black cat. And I've been working so hard to change that & I've been working so hard not to instinctively or unconsciously spank them or smack them. And I've gotten a lot better. *Hic!* But obviously not good enough. I don't know what damn demon or shadow figure or being took over me earlier. And all I want to do now is simply die. I'm the worst ever. If I didn't distract myself, I would be consumed to the point I shut down completely. I really do love my black & brown cat Vegeta & my baby girl Leona. Its never a dull day with my cat. He is always try to get into something, or try to eat plastic or tin foil, or napkins. But nowadays I very rarely smack my baby Leona. That doesn't happen as much it used to it because I started working on myself. Though me yelling at my cat does. But I'm also working on that to. I couldn't find this adapter for my gaming headset & I was upset. But I'm pretty sure my 'period' ugh I hate it; did not amplify my emotions & I'm pretty sure something possessed me & amplified my emotions. Cause my last 'period' this entire incident didn't even happen & my emotions rarely get amplified the way they were earlier.

I will be thoroughly surprised if someone doesn't actually hate me for everything I've just said. I just had to make this. 😔 I rarely use emojis in this. 😞

Sorry to all my followers if u hate me now.