Damaged

Just Want To Be Loved

"Don't do it" was the last thing i heard before i fell to the cold ground of my bathroom floor.

My life flashed before my eyes and i just wanted to cry but i couldn't i had no tears left.

My whole life ahead of me but how could i move forward as my past haunted me every second of the day constantly reminded of how useless i am.

When i was 5 my parents divorced and my mom took me with her. She used me for my body and sold me to strange men. She used the money to support her and her boyfriends addiction to cocaine and alcohol. I always knew when she wanted me to do it , well its not like i had much choice she would always say "Mommy Loves You" as if it was suppose to make it right.

"Alexandria baby I have somebody I want you to meet" she said " mom i don't w-want to do this" I said struggling to let the words out of my mouth knowing what will happen next.
" well you don't have a fucking choice you know how this goes down" she said angrily as she slapped me across me face.

A tear ran down my face as i held my face because of the stinging. "Y-yes I-I sor-sorry" i said holding back the tears.

I was only 12 just starting middle school. This was my life for 7 years and I still didn't get why i wasn't loved or why this was happening to me.

I just laid on the bed and let the man do as he pleased i starred at the ceiling the whole time crying silently hot tears rolling down my face.

I remember later that night i prayed to God that things would get better and that God would fix it and give me a mommy that loved me. Every night i prayed for the same thing and every night i cried myself to sleep.

At school... The days I went I was talked about. Nobody liked me because i had two pairs of pants and three shirts. They starred and whispered. "I heard her moms a crackhead junkie and her dad left them for another woman" one girl said "Its sad that she doesn't have any clothes to wear how pitiful is she" the other girl said

"SHUT THE FUCK UP" i screamed in the middle of class. everybody looked at me like i was insane. "Why are you spazzing out did the crack kick in?" The girl said

I blacked out all i remember is grabbing her and slamming her to the floor. I never acted like that before and i never defended myself either i didn't even know i had it in me.

I got suspended for 3 days and when i got home. I got the worst beating. Ronnie my moms boyfriend broke my arm gave me a black eye, busted my lip, and sprained my ankle.

They didn't move me or take me to the hospital they just left me there. I cried all night and i couldn't move from my injuries it hurt me too much.

I just want to be normal.
I just want to be happy.
I just want to be loved.

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