Luv Letters

34| pure gold

I sat on the bed and watched Jack write for a really long time. Never once did we exchange a word or even a glance, he wrote and I watched.

I watched him aggressively erase line after line, I watched subtle tears fall down from his eyes, and onto the words he wrote.

I got to see him in his most vulnerable state, and it made me realize how much this boy means to me.

Jack Haven entered my life unannounced. No planning or schedule could've prepared me for him, and yet I'm so fucking grateful.

Now, I hold his words tightly in my hand, terrified to read what it says. Terrified to read what this sweet boy had to go through.

Water continues to pound against the windows of the main cabin, leading us to have to stay on the boat regardless of the time.

My shift at work was covered by Ryder, so besides the boys going absolute A-wall over me not being at Tower Sev in time, I have no excuse but to give Jack my undivided attention.

"If you changed your mind- I totally get it." Jack whispers, "Sometimes it get can get too much- even for me."

His words melt my heart, leaving a devastating puddle inside my body. Cupping his face, I shake my head frantically, hoping my eyes portray that all of the doubts and worries he has aren't anything that need to be continued.

"Remember what I said?" I confide, "I want you to show me the most damaged parts of your soul, so I can show you how much I worship each individual piece."

"That hasn't changed?" He whispers.

"It's not going to." I assure.

Jack doesn't answer but instead adjusts himself closer to me. His head rests between my thighs as his thumbs graze my ankles. Occasionally he'll tilt his head to look up at me which is the cutest freaking thing ever.

I unfold the worn piece of paper and inhale.

she taught me everything. how to love, how to sympathize, how to braid :)

everyday i learned something new from her, even if it was the smallest piece of information- but i never thought there would be a point in my life that i'd stop learning.

no more sweet words, no more advice, just complete silence. life has been silent for a really long time.

I exhale, then inhale again.

cal took it out on me. said it was my fault. said i was the reason she was gone. slashes, scars and bruises covered my body, but i took it. i thought for the longest time that i deserved it. for the longest time i thought he was right, that it was my fault that she was gone.

when i realized he was wrong, i gave the hurt right back to him. i hated myself for it though, i knew i was doing exactly what she told me not to do.

don't give in. don't hurt people even if they hurt you. you'll always be my sweet boy won't you?

I wipe the tears off of my face just in time before they hit the paper. I keep reading.

lilah, my little sister, didn't take my mom's death very well- rightfully so. when i moved here, i wasn't able to bring her with.

which fucking kills me. every second i go about my day, i feel a heavy guilt because she doesn't get to smile like i've been.