The Endless Masquerade [yaoi]

00 : time to say goodbye

At the beginning of the autumn, I died.

I committed suicide because of my affair with a young cook, with whom I could not be because of our different social statuses. At least that was the reason for my death, according to the royal court advisors. And since suicide was considered a crime, they didn't bury my body underground but burned it and threw its ashes into the river. Most of the people in attendance were weeping politely, and for a moment, I almost thought they sympathised with the little prince I used to be. However, upon further thought, I came to the realisation that their tears had not been shed on my behalf. Their feelings were not mine- never had been and never will be. I did not inspire their emotions and would remain that way, even at my supposed ash scattering.

I didn't cry, yet I felt sorrowful when I noticed my parents attempting to suppress their emotions and grief, while they both took a bowl with a portion of the ashes and poured it into the river. I could perceive the tension and fear amongst a particular number of the most eminent individuals in the city - the leaders and advisors. I could feel their unspoken panic when they finally understood that this was merely the start of an endless maze of deceit. All for the sake of our kingdom.

The nauseating scent of scorched garments and human remains that were meant to be mine left me rather queasy. Despite this, I maintained my composure and proceeded to watch the entire process, until it was my turn to take up the final ceramic bowl situated upon the altar and scatter its contents into the river. I braced myself mentally for the imminent situation, gathering my thoughts and emotions to face it with readiness. With trembling hands, I slowly advanced towards the shore, the bowl in my grasp. Once I reached the banks of the river, I paused for a moment, mustering the courage to perform the last rite. Regardless of the challenge, I resisted the urge to shed tears or make any noise. I concealed my emotions behind a new façade, and with a respectful degree of patience, I finally scattered the ashes into the water.

Upon completing the rite, I cast a glance at the water's surface, seeking my reflection. I could see a figure resembling myself, but it felt altered in numerous respects. I felt like a stranger to myself, my reflection no longer a familiar sight. But it should have been that way. With the final remnants of myself being scattered in the river, I knew that I was no longer who I once was– the only me I had ever known had disappeared forever.

Or at least I thought so.

"What is going on? What are you doing?!"

My thoughts were interrupted by a familiar voice, accompanied by the overwhelming scent of alpha pheromones. Everyone present turned to face its source, but I didn't need to. I knew exactly whose voice and pheromones it belonged to. I remember only a few hours ago, in which I begged my parents not to invite this person to my ash scattering, and yet here he was. Zoran.

My heart broke all over again.

Chapters will be published every or every other Monday.