An Innocent Infatuation

ONE

There are many types of love today. Kind, rude, loving, childish, fragile, passionate. The entirety of this idea is not one often considered. Others judge relationships entirely on the basis that there is only one kind of love, and it will always and forever be the ideal form. There is only one "perfect" way to love, and yet there are millions of varying personalities in the world. Makes sense, right? Well, allow me to enlighten you with my own story of a love I could only describe as shy.

Now, when I say shy, I mean abnormally shy. I had suddenly moved states at the end of second grade and since then, constantly walked with my head down because I found attention and curious stares painful to bear with. I also let my hair hang in my face for the sake of insecurity that we all feel at some point in our lives, although I would always push it away when I was around family. To be blunt, I have lacked social skills from the beginning, so I was always thought of as very rude and unpleasant. This being said, it was very shocking to open my email one day and discover an unread message from a boy I had never paid any attention to. This was back when those chain messages were circling through emails and everyone was sharing them with everyone, so he apparently got my email off of one of those for his own experimenting.

Admittedly, I was pretty rude in the beginning, and his second email to me involved calling me a grandma for the way I responded, but he never stopped talking to me. I always anticipated coming home and seeing what he replied to my email, it gave me something to look forward to for the first time in a very long while. Eventually, we moved to an online gaming website to talk, which is probably around the time our relationship started to progress further. We could talk for hours on end, about anything, just getting to know each other at our own pace. We never bored the other without our pointless rambling.

Even as I say we would constantly talk, this was only online. Once we were together in personal, we were completely silent, both too shy to talk to one another. This is where the relationship becomes extremely abnormal. In case it isn't clear just how bashful we were around each other yet, I'll list some minor details. I would never eat around him, because I was and am a messy eater. If I was ill with a cough, I would always hold it in around him, because I didn't want him to hear me make weird sounds. I always avoided eye contact with him, even though I was secretly staring at him constantly during the classes we had together. I was terribly and annoyingly shy.

Remember back when everyone was on Facebook and we were all answering questions that revealed our answers to anyone who stumbled upon our profile? Our relationship started sometime around then. He would always answer the sweet questions like, "Who would you want to give your stuff to if you died?" and place my name. He was definitely a charmer, slowly putting his spell on me. It didn't take long for me to be extremely fond of his company. Whether or not that was intentional, I may never know.

After months of talking online, and with the persistence of those who knew about our contact with each other, he asked me to be his girlfriend. However, like the rest of our relationship, this was not done the "normal" way, so to say. He did not ask me because we were unable to speak around the other, and he didn't do it through a message online because that isn't the proper way these sorts of things should be conducted.

No, on the fateful day of October 6, 2010, he handed me a small note he ripped off his paper lunch bag and walked away quickly to talk to the friends we often had around us to avoid embarrassment. I can still remember how much my hand shook as I stared at it, as I had a gut feeling it was exactly what I had pictured. I opened the note secretly away from the group and squeezed my hand shut immediately as my cheeks heated up for the first time in my lifetime. Of course, I couldn't respond to him in person, so I left him in anticipation for the rest of the school day until I finally texted a friend of mine who lived near him to tell him "yes" on the way home. Perhaps one day I will feel the same amount of happiness as I did this day, but so far, I have not.

Our entire relationship moved at our own pace since the beginning. It wasn't until the last day before Christmas break, two months later, that he worked up the courage to kiss my cheek for the first time; although, in our haste, he mostly kissed hair. Maybe a month later, we held hands for the first time on a cold, windy day. A little after, we started trading cheek kisses every day as farewells. Yes, we definitely took our time, but it really made everything so much more exciting. Just thinking about him gave me the biggest smile that could possibly fit on my face. That is, when I was alone.

A relationship like ours was, undoubtedly, confusing to those around us. They often asked how we were able to be together when we weren't able to talk to each other and things of the sort. We never answered any of these questions around each other, we didn't speak a single word around the other. We'd oftentimes just shrug and throw a small smile. That is, until he found out there was one particular girl that enjoyed to tease me after she asked him, "Why is your girlfriend such a loner?"

Whether or not you can claim it to be "bullying", I don't know. It never bothered me very much. Nothing bothered me as far as others treated me, it's not like I ever tried to get along with any of them. I was happy knowing that he enjoyed my company and was never bored of me. He really made a huge impact on me, he was what helped me grow to become someone who isn't quite as unpleasant as before. I was constantly thinking of negative thoughts, and he gave me something pleasant to daydream of.

At this time, I was beginning to grow increasingly sad. After years of feeling alone and just hated by everyone, I gave in to my moods. I didn't have anything to stop me from feeling the level of sorrow that I did. Until he came into my life. He gave me the escape from my own mind that I needed, providing me with a large amount of pleasant memories rapidly. His company was something I needed very much so at this point in my life, and I am very grateful that he entered it when he did. More so than I am able to communicate.

I was never able to really express the amount of gratitude I have for him, or convey just how much everything he did meant to me. That, or how much I truly cared for him as a person. All I wanted was to protect him, to never see him upset, because he saved me from my own painful thoughts. I wanted to fill in any voids he may have had in his heart, as his family relationships were all fairly weak. My body, my mind, my heart; all of them were in his hands, I trusted him completely with them. I tried my best, I gave him everything I could.

But, unfortunately, it was not enough.