Sturniolo Sickfics

Nick (1) - mental breakdown and sh

Tw: sh, su!c!d4l thoughts (in great detail)

Nick has been on edge for a couple of weeks now. His sleep schedule is messed up, sometimes he cannot sleep for days. He is worried that his brothers will notice since they will probably force him to take a break. But Nick doesn't want to stop. Over the last few days, their YouTube channel exploded in numbers, speaking of both subscribers and viewers. He has to give them what they want.

The oldest triplet leaves his desk and walks across his room to make his mind stop spinning. He wants to get done editing this damn video. He loses himself in his thoughts yet again.

Will pain silent this stream of seemingly never-ending thoughts? Will one tiny cut help him finally focus on his computer? He pulled the cutter knife out of his special drawer, pulled up his shorts and pressed the sharp knife against his soft skin. Nervously, Nick swallows his tears back and takes a deep breath in. Right as he begins to cut into his leg, the door to his room swings open.

"Hey Nick, Matty and I made-"

Chris stops abruptly as his eyes see the blood on the knife his brother is holding. He looks up to meet Nick's eyes, but his brother looks away, so many emotions going through his head.

"Nick...", Chris starts but fails to continue. He couldn't believe that his own brother, who always seemed so strong and stable would do a thing like that. 'If I had been a little more attentive, maybe I could've helped him', he thinks to himself.

Nick shifts his eyes to his feet. He feels extremely embarrassed and almost immediately starts crying. He drops the knife to bury his face in his hands.

"Whoa Nick, shhh, it's fine, everything's going to be fine. You just need to talk to me and Matt about your problems, kid. We will always be there for you", Chris says in a soft voice.

"I don't want to be a burden to you though", Nick sobs. "I feel so worthless, everything has just been too much recently. I didn't want to let you and Matt down. I have to do this, I can't stop or else...", Nick pauses, his sobs increase in volume.

"Or else what? We could potentially lose some subscribers? Nick, you can trust me when I say that your health is more important than some numbers on YouTube, both to me and Matt." Chris grabs the cutter knife and puts it in one of his pockets. "I will throw this knife away, we really don't need that type in our house. Is there anything else you... use?" Nick, apart from his sobbing, remains quiet. Chris' concerns grow larger.

"Nick, I really need you to tell me, please. I promise I won't be mad at you!" " ...I have a drawer with some - sharp items over there." Nick points to the drawers next to his bed. Chris slowly walks through Nick's bedroom to his brother's bed. As he opens the bottom drawer, he lets out a small, shocked gasp. There are blades, pieces of scissors and pencil sharpeners, small knives and even broken glass. Tears are now forming in his eyes that he is unable to hold back. He turns to face Nick, who is now ugly crying and sitting on the floor.

"I will have to take these away-" "No no no no! Please, Chris, I beg you, don't do this to me. I need this." Nick started crying even harder as Chris walks over to him to pull his brother in a tight hug. "Nick, I'm not doing this to hurt you, I am doing this to protect you." Nick scoffs at these words, catching a look of disbelief from his brother.

"You don't get it, Chris. You just don't get it. If I can't do ...if I don't hurt myself, these thoughts come back. Telling me I don't deserve you and Matt and Justin as siblings, that you are better off if I wasn't around. Telling me my parents are not and never will be proud of me, that I will never be good enough in their eyes. Telling me my friends just stick around because they feel sorry for me and actually despise me for who I am, or rather, for who I've become. Telling me no one wants me to live, to be alive. That I'm fat, ugly, not worthy of love and that everybody hates me. That I don't deserve the right to breathe, to even exist. Telling me I should just end my life, and honestly, I'd do it to simply shush all of those asshole voices that I can't escape while being conscious. If I didn't have my blades, my knifes with me, I wouldn't be here anymore. They keep me from doing ...you know."

Nick's eyes, now completely empty as if he never even had any emotions at all, drift away and focus on nothing really. He just sits there, crying his eyes out in the tight embrace with his brother who remains speechless at first.

"Nick, you need a therapist and a break from YouTube. I won't watch you destroy yourself just like that. What comes next, alcohol? Cigarettes? Perhaps even hard drugs? Absolutely not. I don't ...Nick, you ...we don't want you to die. We love you, we always loved you and we will always love you, no matter what happens. Mom and dad will always be there for you, you are good enough, you are more than good enough! You worked so hard and they acknowledge that, they are very proud of you for how far you've come already. It hasn't always been easy for you, and they understand that. They support you with every step you will take, they will be by your side. Same goes for me and Matt, for Justin, for Nate, Madi, Larray and all of our other friends. You are not alone in this, you never were. For Fuck's sake Nick, you are not worthless-"

"What's going on up here-" Matt stands in the door frame, taken aback from the scene in front of him, his eyes widening as he fully grasps the situation he just got himself into.

"Nick needs a break from YouTube-" "No, Matt, everything is fine, I'm not hungry, I need to work." The oldest triplet looses his hug, pushes Chris slightly away and gets up, leaving Chris behind him as he walks towards the door. "Get out", he scoffs at Matt, who almost instantly complies. Nick turns around to face Chris who has already gotten up himself. "You too", Nick says with a hoarse voice.

"I will come tomorrow and empty that drawer. You can't continue like this. We will discuss therapists as well, maybe even psych wards. I will help you, I promise. I love you."