Why not? Honestly, why not? I mean, it's not like I have anything to lose anyways. And I dont mean this in a melodramatic, over exaggerated way, I just honestly have nothing to lose. After Tatjana.. but I always knew it was coming; her turning me down with big red bold letters and flashing arrows and fireworks, making what she wants with me incredibly clear: absolutely nothing. The worst part is that she doesn't even hate me. She doesn't care enough to hate me. And it shouldn't have hurt so much because I knew this already, I knew she doesn't, didn't and will never care.
Obviously neither does my father but that was just as predictable. Even my mother doesn't care about me enough to quit. She just leaves me here alone while my dad flies away with some girl not even double my age.
But once you look at the big picture you start to see a pattern that can't be ignored, a painfully obvious truth, unavoidable and undeniable: the common denominator in all of this is me. Nobody cares because nobody is able to care. I am so boring and unimportant that nobody would care even if they could. They wouldn't even notice if I disappeared off the face of the planet for a week.
So I will. And I'll go with Tschick. We'll leave and won't come back because who would care to stop us?
Why not?
You're probably thinking I'm the most self absorbed, selfish, and quite frankly stupid fourteen year old on this planet because obviously somebody cares, somebody has to! And I may be all of those things but I know im not dumb enough to miss the simple truth; I suck.
Or at least to other people. I love myself. And this whole thing with Tschick isn't to prove some point or test a theory or get attention. I just acknowledge that nobody would care, and I take advantage of it. This is possibly a once in a lifetime opportunity and why not seize it?
Also, Tschick is insane. Like- fully, infectiously insane. Emphasis on the infectious part. Considering I wouldn't have even sniffed at the idea of ever stealing- sorry, borrowing a car and tearing up concrete on a highway I don't know, destination: the ass crack of the world, it's safe to say that I was at least somewhat influenced by him. Although only somewhat.
There's a threateningly high chance of him straight up crashing us into a wall, considering his drinking habits, and here is where the first worrying thought in this whole deal came up; I wouldn't mind. (It's a whole other worrying thought that nothing else worried me before but I digress.)
I mean, I would probably not like it if I did survive, I mean getting injured Isn't my favorite pastime but if I did die, like, right then and there, I wouldn't mind. I would go on to tell myself this was just me "coming to terms with my mortality" but soon, during one fateful night when I would have multiple more realizations of the sort, I would come to realize it was just a little thing called "passive suicidalism".
Those are big words and I would only learn them much later but that night I understood it without a definition; I don't just "not mind" dying, I'm silently hoping for it. I wouldn't do it myself but the silent prayer every time I crossed a road was never "Don't hit me", but the opposite. I've had thoughts of this kind all my life but always only in the form of subconscious or intrusive thoughts. Recently it has become less of a "What if..?" And more of a plea.
So yes, maybe that was a contributing factor in my decision to go with Tschick, or maybe it was just his astonishingly high cheekbones or maybe his mad skills in Halo, but mostly it was just one question. Why not?
Why not?
So while I was nervous, because death was the only negative outcome I wasn't afraid of, I still sat in the car. And I indulged in the insanity, my logical self taking a hiatus, experiencing the world of the nomad, the world of the forgotten yet alive, the world of the dark and silent night.
