No, I'm Just Delusional (Phan) RE-WRITE IN PROCESS

Wake Up

Dan -

I wake up alert in the chair. Sitting up bolt right. My eyes are heavy and senses dull but I'm alert. My eyes droop considerably and I shut them only to relive what had awoken me.Nightmares fresh in my mind. Memories I have tried so hard to forget pluck me from unconsciousness. I guess I was wrong. There is always more, more to regret, more to hate, more to resent. Myself being all three.The pain I inflicted both on me and on Phil. Phil. I look over at him. Despite me thinking it being near impossible my hearts shattered pieces shatter themselves. So it was a dream. I put my head in my hands. “No, no, no, NO” I scream. I can't bare to look up. His body so cold and un-responsive.After everything I really thought it was over, that Phil was ok. I guess I was wrong. My eyes burn at the lack of tears, my body is shaking uncontrollably.

After everything.

This, this is the worst torture that I could have been given. Seeing him alive and well. His eyes bright, ready to take in the world. The colour in his skin that he so obviously lacks. Seeing the confusion yet undeniable spark. The hope. Hope that everything was ok and the innocence. Bright and blue ready to met anything that came his way. Seeing him awake, moving his arms, his legs that are now so useless to him. I did this. I tidal wave of anger consumes me. I did this. I deserve to be where he is, to take his place. He never did anything to deserve this, me however I deserve every bit of torture I can get. I deserve to see him here, to see his face get paler every day. I deserve to be plagued by nightmares at night so I can't sleep. I deserve to starve to death idly while I watch Phil's body slowly waste away.

I deserve to watch the boy I love die.

I deserve it all.

Nothing that I have been through will ever compare to the hurt and pain I put him through. The trauma. I want to take it all back.

I want him to see how sorry I am. I want his blue orbs to see my soul and see how my heart belongs to him. I want to hold his hand and stroll down the street. I want to snuggle up to him in the winter next to the fire and build a snowman. I want to make brownies with him and eat them all together. I want him to kiss me, to kiss my soul. I want him to call me his boyfriend. I want to see his face in the morning when I wake up next to me. I want to feel his lips pressed against mine. I want him to kiss me, to kiss my soul. I want him to look at me in love not fear. I want him to see how sorry I am. I want him to tell me I make him happy. I want him to make me soup when I'm ill. I want him to wrap us up in a blanket and watch a movie. I want him to feed me malteasers. I want him to lay me down next to him and tell me he loves me.

I want him to wake up.

I need him to wake up.

I need him to open his eyes and scream at me. I need him to tell me he hates me and that he'll never love me. I need him to look me in the eyes and tell me he never wants to see me again. I need him to hit me. I need him to punch me. I need him to give me scars and burns and bruises. I need him to abuse me. I need him to see how sadistic and cruel I am and be ten times worse. I need him to wake up and hate me. I need him to be disgusted by me. I need him to kill me. I need him to see that I don't deserve to be forgiven.

I need him to see that I don't deserve to be loved

But he won't wake up, because I did this and I don't deserve him to wake up.

For so long I have lived by my rules. Doing what I want, when I want, for as long as I remember. Now I don't know who's rules I'm living by. And I know this time i'm not going to get what I want.

Or what I need.

I am going to loose the only thing left fighting for. I am going to loose the boy who I would give my life up for in a heart beat. How ironic. That he probably hates me and yet has no idea that I love him. How my heart aches when I think about him. How surprised I am that I haven't already killed myself, hopelessly clinging onto the fact that he's not dead. But that doesn't matter, because what hurts the most is he tried to kill himself because of me. I did this.

So maybe I wont get what I want or need but I will get one last thing.

Death.