I wish it was as perfect and simple as the imperfect movies make it seem, but because this is the creation of life and I am only human, it makes sense that this doesn't all work out in my favor.
I mean it could, but that's only if I allow it to, and I can't because it's not necessarily easy when your mind is going down an hour route that's crazy bumpy and uncomfortable.
I'm such a hypocrite. If I'd known that this was all me that was keeping myself away from a love that I know good and well that I deserve, I wouldn't have made Kai feel bad about being secretive about his history.
But then again, even though I saw the signs, I hoped that our friendship wouldn't take a step further. I didn't want to be the one to disappoint myself and fall in love with the pain that I'm prone to.
And I can say that I have trust issues because of a past relationship, but that'll be a lie. I have unfathomed issues in general and I don't know how to name them accordingly.
I just don't want to hurt Kai with the baggage that I tote on a daily. And commitment is scary, especially because I don't perceive ever actually being in the kind of relationship that Kaiden is suggesting.
I don't know how to be a girlfriend, and I sure as hell don't know how to love someone other than myself or my family, nor do I even know what the true definition of love is when it comes to a romanceship.
Kissing, holding hands, and deep talks? I just can't do it. I don't know how to do it.
He doesn't really know me. He doesn't know that I'm not always happy, and that I only carry around a smile because I can't and won't ruin the image that I worked hard to create for myself. I can't allow people to know that there is a triggered side of me that resides in the corner of my childhood room.
"Zurichi!" My body was sent into a state of shock as I jumped at the force sent to my body from my friend Yasin tapping my shoulder.
"Girl...what?" I asked with attitude laced in my tone. It's not my style to be rude and portray that I have no manners because I'm not rude and I do have manners.
The problem is that I'm really not enlisted today when it comes to conversation or contentment and speaking in this manner has always been my main persona when it comes to the people I'm used to and are comfortable with.
