What is wrong with me

9 pm-10am

It's 9 pm, the blood drips onto my white tile floor, it might stain but I'm not thinking about that, I'm not really thinking about anything. That's how it's been for the past 4 months either I don't think about anything or my mind is flooded with thoughts. I wrap my wrist in toilet roll ,it burns but I don't care. I sort of like it at this point, the pain makes me feel normal. Walking out of my bathroom and getting into bed is probably the best part of my day, I can just lay down and imagine I'm someone else. In this fictional world I could be a writer, I could be a streamer, I could be a man. I sit up as that sentence bounces around my head 'I could be a man' I've thought I was trans for a while but for some odd reason this thought makes me shocked. Doubt fills my mind 'if I'm thinking I could be a man surely I'm not trans because I said could' suddenly I'm a year 7 again being told "it's just a phase".

It's 10 pm now and I sneak downstairs to the medicine cabinet and as quietly as possible rummage through for some paracetamol. It's not for my wrist, it's for my brain. It's a stupid thought but I am emotional. I just want to die.

It's 11 pm. My head feels fuzzy. I'm not sure how many paracetamol I took but I have one left in my hand. I crush it under a flashlight I have on my desk. I'm not sure why I have the flashlight. It doesn't work anymore because mum won't replace the batteries but I just never got round to moving it. The paracetamol burns in my nose, I shouldn't have snorted it, I should have just taken it. I think my nose is going to bleed and I can taste the paracetamol in the back of my throat. It tastes like a mix of tires and glass.

It's 7 am. I have school in an hour and a half and I'm not looking forward to it. I have my least favorite nonce teacher first period and 3 pieces of homework due that I haven't done. I change into my school uniform and look at myself in the mirror. 'Why am I so fat?' I think as I pull my skirt up to my thighs. I know I will get yelled at for rolling up my skirt so I untuck my shirt to cover it, of course I will get punished for my shirt but I don't care. My blazer somehow manages to look too big and too small on me, I hate it, I hate everything, I hate everyone, I hate my mum, I hate my dad, I hate my brothers, I hate myself, I hate that kid in my form who calls me a fag, I hate that kid who sits next to me in maths, I hate my friends who made me have an eating disorder!

It's 8 am. I sit in my bathroom staring at the mirror just trying not to cut myself. I'll be late to school if I don't set off soon. My brothers will notice. I need to get up. My legs won't stand up though. I try and try but they just won't. It's fine my brothers will leave and I'll be home alone. But someone will get the call saying I'm not at school. I'm fucked.

It's 9 am. I walk into the office late. "Amy!" A shrieking voice calls out, for some reason her calling me my name makes me want to die even more. "Late again are we? What is it this time, got stopped by the police? HAHAHA" she thinks she's funny, I don't think she'll accept 'was gonna kill myself' as an awnser. I wanna punch her so badly. "No miss, I just slept in," I responded. My voice doesn't sound like mine, it sounds too high and too timid.

It's 10 am. I'm in science sitting next to my friend at the front. We aren't allowed to sit at the back anymore because we put some protective goggles in the Bunsen burner. My pencil scrapes against the desk as I carve the same thing I write into all the tables I sit at 'tick if bored' I give it the first tick. Miss will know it was me. I'm the only one who has to use a pencil because I exploded too many pens. Me and my friends joke about how I got my pen license revoked in year 8 but I don't feel like joking. It's 5 minutes into the lesson and Dan hasn't spoken to me once. I think he's on his last warning with miss. But what if I did something? He always talks to me, did I text him something last night? Did I fuck up?