The Human Condition / / [Frerard]

8: Tfw You Realise You Were Born To Be A Human Blanket

"I see nothing, Steve, do you think we're definitely going in the right direction?" Johnny asked as if he wasn't the one behind the steering wheel who had been the one to lead the pair into this complete ghostown.

They had been driving for over nineteen hours now and they were both pretty certain that they hadn't even entered New Jersey, nevermind Wesinton, so it was only understandable that they were getting a tiny little bit starving by now. With only another two full water bottles left to go, the pair were becoming increasingly agitated and worried.

"I don't fucking know, you're the one driving, Johnny. Maybe if you didn't decide to go against the directions of that stupid SatNav and take your little 'shortcut', you wouldn't have fucked up the directions and maybe, just maybe, we would be out fighting a fucking demon right now."

Steve was pissed off.

But Steve was always pissed off.

So, apart from being lost in the middle of nowhere instead of sat in the middle of a shitty diner, what was new?

"Well, I was pretty sure that it was going to lead us in the right-"

"Pretty sure is not enough, Johnny," Steve snapped, turning away from his gnome-sized friend and gazing out the window in the most I'm-In-A-Dramatic-Movie-And-This-Is-The-Scene-Where-Everyone-Cries manner he could muster.

"Whatever, dude," Johnny said, re-establishing the well-known fact that Johnny Christ was the most laid back person in the entire universe (without being on drugs.)

Actually, scratch that.

Johnny could give Snoop Dog a run for his money.

"Just saying, but if I die, you can totally eat me for survival purposes," he said, rather honourably, "like, just do whatever you need to stay alive, buddy. I mean, you can so get inside me if you like."

"Is that a gay sex reference?" Steve smirked.

"Is what a gay sex reference?" Johnny furrowed his eyebrows, proving that, as well as being the most laid back, he was also the most frustratingly innocent person in the universe.

"Nevermind," Steve shrugged off his comment, "but what the fuck did you mean when you said I could get inside of you?"

"You know, cut me open, use me as the human blanket I was so obviously born to be," Johnny somehow managed to make this sentence sound oh so casual.

"A human fucking blanket?" And if Steve had had a drink in his mouth, he would have most certainly spat it all out. "Okay, dude, one, that is fucking gross; I am not climbing inside your dead body. Two, it's like ninety degrees here, why the fuck would I need a blanket to survive, nevermind a fucking human blanket? And, three, I think being born to be a human blanket gives a really shitty purpose to your existence."

"Well, one, no it's not fucking gross, you're just a fucking pansy, Steve. You hear stories all over where people have actually done stuff like that to survive, dickface. Two, well, what if it gets a little cold? Nobody can ever predict the weather, Steve-"

"Yes we can fucking predict the weather, that's why we have weather forecasts-"

"-Three," Johnny carried on, ignoring Steve's completely valid response, "are you insulting my entire life because, dude, that is not cool."

"Bro, you're fucking crazy."

"Crazy...Or practical?"

"Crazy."

***

It was dark.

It was dark, and it was cold, and he was alone and, fuck, he had smoked five packets of cigarettes in the past hour and it seemed like time was passing painfully slow, because the cigarettes were never enough and Frank regretted his seemingly 'sensible' decision when he never blew the last of his money on a pound of weed from Jimmy a few days ago.