Better Off Alone (BOOK 1)(Wattys 2016)

Isn't Madness Synonymous With Love?

No one's really surprised that Dean and I are dating. Well, except Larkin. When I tell him two days after the fact, he looks at me with shock written all over his face. We're in English class, but that doesn't stop him from reacting.

"You're f*cking kidding me." His eyes are narrowed at me and his voice is a low growl.

I feel my heart begin beating faster. "No, I'm not."

He laughs, but it's humorless and he runs his hands through his hair agitatedly. "That prick convinced you to date him?"

I look down at my desk, shame painting itself across my cheeks. He's got it all wrong. I'm dating Dean so that I can forget about him and the stupid Something. "Larkin, please, not now."

Larkin shakes his head. "Alright, next period I'm coming to art with you. Or will Dean stop me?"

I roll my eyes. "Don't be mean, Larkin. Dean's done nothing wrong to you."

Larkin huffs. "Yeah, alright."

At the end of English we both move silently to the art rooms. Larkin closes the door to the room I usually paint in and makes sure Laurene isn't there before starting his rant. "Gemma, what the hell is going on? I know you don't like the boy."

"Oh? How do you know that? You don't know me that well." If he knew me that well, he'd know I liked him.

Larkin's eyes flash and I see emotions boil to the surface of his face. "I do know that because I know you. I think in some twisted way you're using Dean to distract yourself."

I can't let him know just how close he hits to home. Does he really know me that well? Or am I just easy to read? "What do you mean? Distract myself from what?"

"Me. You like me. And you don't want to admit it."

I laugh. Maybe it's a somewhat hysterical laugh, but it's coming out of me in an instant. "Oh, don't be so full of yourself, Larkin. It's really the pot calling the kettle black if you accuse me of using boys to distract me. Isn't' that what you do with every girl you sleep with? A distraction from why you're away from home?"

Larkin shakes his head, ignoring my comment about his home back in Florida l. "But at least I don't lead the girls on with promises of feelings. They know what I'm willing to give and what I won't. You doing this with Dean... it's ten times worse. You're giving him the promise of emotional attachment when you have no emotions to attach to him."

I'm not sure if I'm angry or hurt or sad. Or all three.

I don't say anything and Larkin doesn't either. He just leaves and I'm left wondering how he can read me so well, but I can't even begin to fathom what he's thinking.

***

"So I was wondering if you wanted to meet my family?" Dean is driving me home from school and I'm trying to listen, but all I hear in my mind is Larkin accusing me of being worse than a player like him.

Dean stops the truck in front of my house and I shake my head, trying to think clearly. Maybe Larkin is right. This isn't fair, is it? I look at Dean, feeling pain from what I'm causing him. It's not fair. "Dean, I don't think I can meet your family."

Dean looks at me, clearly confused. "Gemma? What do you mean?"

I shake my head. "I'm sorry, Dean. I'm so sorry, but I can't be your girlfriend. I don't deserve you. I can't keep lying to you and leading you on. I'm sorry."

Dean sighs, running a hand over his face. "It's Larkin isn't it? You love him; I can see it when you're together."

I look at him, taken by surprise. "I don't think I love him. Maybe I do. I don't know. I know for certain I can't be with him. I'm sick of all my dating experiences tainting my friendships. I don't want that to happen to Larkin and me. I don't think I want that to happen to us either."

Dean thinks about what I say, but shakes his head. "I don't know what to say really. I see what you mean, but at the same time, I think it's foolish. Larkin clearly has feelings for you and you clearly have feelings for him. Won't you regret it if you don't at least try?"

I shake my head, loving Dean in a new way for what he is. "How are you so accepting of this confession of mine? I just broke up with you and you're giving me advice on how to get together with someone else."

"Because I want you to be happy and I kind of suspected it. I see how you look at him. I think he'll make you happy."

I move to get out and look back at him. "On the contrary, Dean. Larkin drives me mad."

Dean tilts his head, considering. "But isn't madness synonymous with love?"

I laugh, but inside I feel he's more right than I'd like to admit.

Maybe I Larkin drives me mad, but he also may be driving me to be in love too.