I am six and I am great. Playing outside in the summer sunshine with tall grass up to my knees and wildflowers blooming all around me. The wind blows through and wisps of my blonde hair dance around me and my dress flies wild around me. I giggle to myself. There is a patch of fluffy dandelions on the ground next to me and eagerly grab one, making a long forgotten wish as I blow hard, watching the pretty white poofs fly off into the sky. I watch as they dance and swirl up and away towards the bluest sky I had ever seen. I fall down onto my back and happily just watch the clouds pass over me. Life is great.
I am seven and I am good. lay watching a Disney movie, snuggled up on the floor with my blankets and pillows and favorite stuffed animal. I watch as Pocahontas throws her body over John Smith to save him. A handful of popcorn frozen mid air and falling from my fist as I watch with my mouth agape. It is getting dark and I am getting sleepy and I try hard to finish the movie. I am being lifted, the smell of cherry blossom lotion in my nose as I am set down on something soft, my arms squeeze my teddy closer as I drift off to sleep. Life is good.
I am eight and I'm alright. Today we moved to a new rental house, and I am exploring the back yard. It's huge, full of weeds and broken boards and old little garden that might bloom back to life any day. I laugh as I run in little circles around the yard. Listening the crickets chirp and the sharp voice of my mother barking commands. I stop to listen, she sounds stressed. The sun is setting and it's beautiful with pinks and oranges shooting across the sky. I spread my arms wide and pretend to fly, imaging how it would feel to be somewhere else, just for a short while. The back door opens, I am called inside for dinner. It's pizza! Life is alright.
I am nine and I am okay. My hair is short like a boys now. The jump rope in my hand has one end cut and tied and in my mind is just like the whip Indiana Jones uses on his adventures. I want to be just like him. Running around the front yard I pretend to fight Nazi's and find ancient artifacts. I ignore the neighborhood kids laughing at me, ignore the insults slung my way. Instead, I run inside and put on The Last Crusade and watch as Indy fights against all the odds and finds the holy grail. Smiling my small smile that I now wear. My sister is in her room talking on the phone, my parents are outside smoking. The credits run, so I rewind the video and watch it again. Life is..okay.
I am ten and life is different. We are moving again, to house we own this time. My hair has grown out and I'm excited. We are going to the fair this year to see Nysnc. I don't know their music very well yet so I sit in my room alone and listen to their album so I can learn all their songs. Their voices are sweet to me, and I let the music watch over me. Across the hall I can hear my mom fighting with my stepdad over something he forgot. She's angry, she's been angry a lot lately. I get up and dance with the music. My arms up above my head as I sway and jump and sing with the words I do know. Door's slam and I flinch but keep dancing. I pretend to be a rock star that night. Singing to adoring fans and doing encores. Life is different now.
I am eleven and life is ordinary. It was the last day of school before summer break. The bus drops me and my sister off. My eyes never leave my feet as we walk home. The kids around us laugh and joke as they run home, but I make sure I don't make eye contact with any of them. Their ugly words bounce around in my head. Ugly, stupid, zit filled. My sister went through it too, but she says nothing to me now. We don't really talk. She is 15 and busy and doesn't play with me anymore. The sidewalk is bright and burns my eyes but still I don't look up until we get inside. I slink to the floor and start to cry. My sister acts impatient with me, saying I was fine. She sits with me for a little bit when I tell her my best friend turned on me today and he said he hates me now. She nods and says that sucks but that I can be a bit loud and annoying and maybe I should have toned it down. My stomach sinks and I feel hurt. She pats me on the shoulder and goes to her room and turns on her radio. Mom is at work and so is my stepdad. It's almost my birthday so my biological dad should be calling me soon. I stand up and walk into the living room, heading straight for the bird cages on the floor. My parakeets chirps excitably when he sees me. Leaning forward he sticks his beak out through the cage for kisses, so I lean in and kiss his little beak. He squawks happily and starts singing. I smile a bit and turn on the tv. Rugrats is playing so I just sit and watch it. Feeling down. Life is ordinary.
