Dear fat girl,
I am sorry.
You wasted your entire childhood becoming someone you were never meant to be. The girls on TV and in the magazines were nothing more than false advertisements.
You missed out on the best parts of your teenage years being too consumed with how everyone viewed you, overthinking and assuming what thoughts were in their heads. Automatically jumping to the worst conclusion if someone looked in your direction or if you heard a laugh. Paranoid that everyone was focused on how you looked, on what you weighed; whether your jeans were too tight or your hair didn't cover those squirrel-like cheeks of yours enough.
I can guarantee you now that no one gave a damn.
Your early PCOS diagnosis made life no easier. Let's be honest, explaining it gets tiresome. Especially to doctors. It also isn't exactly a fun date discussion either. -
"Hi, I'm Brianna. I have PCOS which basically means my body is messed up and doesn't do what it's supposed to. Also, it makes me fat and most likely infertile." -Yeah, not exactly the kind of talk you want to have with any man.
I am sorry.
Because of those insecurities you were willing to settle for less than what you deserve. Settle for a love that never truly existed. You were ready to give up on hopes and dreams just to pretend for a second that you would have a happily ever after. You never believed that it was real. That love truly existed for someone your size. And that was utterly and completely your own fault.
Remember all those diets? All those fads and exercises? All the tears you cried to sleep at night, begging and praying to wake up in a different body?
None of it was worth it. All the sweat, all the tears, all the restless nights on an empty stomach were a waste of time. And do you want to know why?
Because you are worthy.
Worthy of happiness, of being loved, of being you. All of you.
And you always were. It just took you this long to realize it.
I wish you could have seen into the future. See how happy you are, how loved you are, see yourself being unapologetically you. Amazed at the happily ever after you are about to begin with a man who is infatuated with every part of your being.
You would be so proud. I am so proud. And for that I'm not sorry.
Without all your tears and heartache, All the poking and prodding of needles for blood tests, the point systems, calorie counting, and sugar-free snacks; you would not be the woman you are today. But now I think it's time I let you go. For good.
You had so many missed opportunities because you couldn't see past that mirror. So many regrets. YOU were the one who held yourself back. YOU were the only one obsessed with your weight. YOU were the only one critiquing every inch of your body. It was all YOUR fault, there is no one else to blame. And I am so f-ing sorry.
I'm sorry it's taken so long, but I forgive you.
- Fat girl
