You Steady My Heart (an English Novel)

PROLOGUE: #FlashbackFriday

Three years ago, I was not sure of some things except for one. I was grieving. Much of grieving, to the point that it already ate my entire system.

I was eighteen then when I knew that melodramatic soap operas do come true. I had no one to talk about what I was going through those times except for one - my Father in heaven, the Almighty God. Like anyone else, I was used to pour out to Him even the smallest and tiniest detail you could ever told to someone but you couldn't, because they might neither believe your truth nor accept you.

I fell in love...

...so hard.

So hard that I spent more than a year to gather the pieces of me and fix my broken self.

I did not expect that it will end this way. That kind of way, which was, not even a single thought did not cross my mind. I knew that I was young enough then to fell in love that way.

I was even confident that I wouldn't fall in a love that wasn't sure.

But sadly, I really did. And these were all the karma... I thought.

There was nothing that I could describe in words what were I went through for the past three years.

I did not really imagine that I could be able to take a bath earlier than usual just to cry inside for the first minutes and still crying while taking shower. I almost knelt down and blamed myself over and over again while crying so hard silently.

There was also, where I was used to sleep five times a day than the usual. I was really not that person who usually sleeps after lunch, after snack, and even after an early dinner. I knew that my family noticed that before.

But then, I firmly held that I was the best actress.

I told them that it was just the aftermath of my hard work in doing household chores for a day. And yes, it was a part but not totally.

In the morning, I always busied myself sweeping the floor, washing the dishes, doing laundry, and cleaning the entire house. Then I will cook rice before lunch and go back to washing dishes after we ate. After that, I'll go upstairs and lie on my bed - crying while blaming myself over again while finding reasons for the same heartache I was going through.

It usually lasts for an hour, later that I would just notice that I already fell asleep. And sleep for the remaining hours of my siesta time. This routine was repeated for months. Yes, months...until I decided to find a job.

This was one of the most unforgettable seasons of my life.

This season where I merely forgotten myself, lost my mind, and almost let go of my dreams in life for this man.

This season when I thought the world had gone through me like how other women grieve.

This season where the man I started to build my life with had left me; the man whom I sought would carry me and lift me when things go wrong; the man whom I imagined my life with, forever; the man I thought I was secured enough.

Gone were the days of this man I truly loved.

He was gone.

Or just... Maybe...

Almost...