Dear... whoever reads this?
Maybe you won't find this interesting enough, or maybe not even important, but I just need a way to vent without causing any more drama. No more problems and no more hurt. Talking about love isn't something I do very often. Its not that I don't believe in it, it's more like "why talk about it, when you can express it". Then again, expressing myself hasn't always been my strong point. But trying is better than nothing I guess.
At some point in my life I stopped thinking about what was to come. Who would stay and who would leave. This kind of thing never really bothered me. They either stayed or they didn't and that was ok with me. If it's not there, then its not needed. This person though, this person's departure I was not ok with.
Have you ever had that feeling that you have finally found where you belong? Who you belong with? I did. And it was actually the most pleasant feeling ever. I felt accepted, I felt understood. This person was way beyond special and I made sure he knew just how much he meant to me.
Even in our fights and arguments, we could always find ourselves saying something along the line of "it's been a good 7 months" or something along those lines. We were the couple that fit perfectly together. We were the ones who were inseparable. Or so everyone thought. Or so I thought.
It never really crossed my mind that at some point, our time could be over and everything could fall apart. At that time I was a perfectly optimistic person. Never thinking about the downside of things, always looking forward to everything and anything. That first year, everything was perfect. We had our arguments, but nothing major. We talked things out and solved whatever the problem was. I actually didn't have any idea it wouldn't last for long. I didn't have any idea that someone would want to tear that apart and I most certainly didn't think they would succeed.
The thing about people is that they change. First they change for the worst and if by some miracle they see the error of their ways, they change for good. This persons change was there, everyday more noticeable, more palpable. His personality was always the same towards me, but I knew something was wrong. It's like that instinct that tells you not to do or say something because you'll get in trouble. That same instinct was telling me to be careful and to prepare, but I didn't pay attention to it. Why would I, when he was the best thing that ever happened to me?
We had an argument once. I somehow knew where it was going but I needed to hear it. That night I woke my mom up with my incredibly loud crying. "I don't want him to leave me". I had never felt more terrified. To me it was like everything I needed was being torn apart and I was not ok. I'll never forget my mothers pity filled face. Once back in bed, I thought of everything he'd said to me and I figured I should try harder if that's the way he actually felt. Maybe I should put more effort into our conversations and maybe I should make more plans for us, like dates and stuff. I never had the chance.
A few days later, it ended. What bothered me the most was that he never actually gave me a reason. Another thing was, he did it by text message. I was so angry, I didn't cry. Not once that whole summer. Once school started and I had to see him everyday? Completely different story. I would hide out in corners and just cry, not too loud because I didn't need an audience but I still cried.
He talked to me, said he wanted to try with me again and of course I couldn't have been happier. I loved him and that's not something that can just vanish over night so I said we could start over. It didn't last. I found out why he had broken up with me. Big boobs, no ass, ugly face, and bucktoothed; complete with the personality of a whore and the brain of a duck. Completely repulsive, I know. But that's not why it didn't last. He kept doing everything that bothered me and even though he said he would try harder to win me back, he never did. So I got mad, I would try to not say rude things but they still slipped out sometimes and really, I was way too hurt to apologize for them. I know it was wrong of me, but I'm not the one who kissed someone else the day after the relationship ended, I didn't think I had anything to apologize for.
He's still with her, no one knows why, but such is life. I can't say that I would never get back together with him because one never knows what circumstances might arise. "Never say never". But right now, thinking about him, I can't. It's disgusting to think of all the things he's done with... that. It's disappointing to know that slowly but surely, he's throwing his life away. We're friends now... well I wouldn't exactly call it friends, I would say we're more like acquaintances. We talk if we can and don't if we cant. People who don't know anything think we have something going on when in reality, there's a distance the size of Europe between us. I have a feeling we'll never be as close as we once were but that's ok.
I don't regret whatever happened. I regret how it ended and I regret how we're barely in each other's paths anymore. But I won't regret feeling the way I did. Whoever doesn't know our story can think whatever they want about whoever they want; in our time, we were ok, we were our version of perfect.
Thanks for your time and your understanding,
- A teenage girl.
