Dawn of the Unconquered Sun (Part 8 of the Ignaius-Saga)

Love and Fear

"...I love you..." Variel murmured, warm breath washing over Tanier's skin. It always felt appropriate to voice that ever-present emotion after an encounter like this, especially one that had involved more rough activities... and the collar that Variel still wore.

"I love you, too," the older man replied. How could he not? Yet the words - as conventional as they may be in the situation - made something stir in his mind and brought back their earlier conversation. He reached for the collar and slowly removed it. If he was to talk to Variel, it had to come off. Time to end the play.

He carefully put the collar aside and held Variel, as he spoke. "Because I love you, I want all of you. You once used these words. Can you remember? I want nothing less than that. If there is a danger to it, I'll take it. You seem to want me to be afraid of you, to keep my distance, but I can't. I love you and loving someone and being afraid does not mix well. I will do almost anything you want from me, but I refuse to be afraid of you. It doesn't matter who or what you are. Or as far as it does: I love you a lot more for being not just a shy boy with adorable blue eyes and slightly girlish manners. I want you to never forget this. Warn me, if you think you must, but I will not fear you. How often did I tell you that I may have to hurt you at some point? And didn't I hurt you, when I felt I had to? Do you consider me weaker than yourself, less able to handle it, if you were to hurt me? Be who you are, do as you must and don't be afraid," - he kissed Variel's neck - "because I love you."

Variel listened quietly, never lifting his head from where it was nestled. The shifting of topic sobered him quite a bit, even while Tanier's words made him feel warmer.

"...I don't want you to have to fear me... I don't want anyone to be afraid of me, but I feel there is a good reason to be. I don't intend to convince you to be afraid... Cautious, perhaps, but not afraid. I can't be rid of my fear, though... the fear that I might do much worse than hurt you. The pain I felt was... hardly in danger of killing me, whereas one outburst from me could... turn you to ash..."

Variel pulled in a shaky breath, trying to keep all the negative emotions from ruining this moment. "I will keep hoping that my love for you protects you from my... temper. Not that I think you will constantly lie to me, but... well... no one can say what might happen in the future."

"You already failed once at burning me to ashes," Tanier mumbled. "That was a bad choice, it makes it a lot more difficult for me to be afraid of you." Again he kissed Variel, his thoughts going back to that day at Ond.

"I was ready to die back then and there. Still I am here and I am very much alive. I never regretted or took back the commitment I made that night. I guess I still owe you a life. Once over, actually. It looks like my life is yours anyway, do with it as you please."

He burried his nose in Variel's neck, cuddling and remarkably casual about it all.

A small smile was resting on Variel's lips. Yes, he supposed he had saved Tanier's life twice already with the use of his power. He never really looked at it that way, though, as if Tanier owed him that much.

"...You pay me back every single day," Variel whispered, holding a little tighter to the man whose arms he was all wrapped up in. "Every day you love me is a day I actually know what it feels like to be loved. I never would have known how that felt otherwise. It's not something I ever would have sought out on my own... I would have just remained solitary and isolated, absorbed in my books and my studies, avoiding everyone and their emotions and judgements. That seems... so empty now, and I shudder to think what I might have become without such emotion to temper my power..."

The only reply that he heard was a sigh, the only thing that he felt was another kiss and the arms around him squeezing tight.

Soon after Tanier was about to drift off, but he caught himself in time. He let go of Variel and crawled out of bed.