Healing

Chapter 1

Everyone always says after a breakup, "focus on yourself", "heal", "talk to other people ''. But no one actually explains how. I know people say, go to the gym, read a book, distract yourself, pick a hobby, etc. But are you actually healing? Or just trying to forget? Forgetting is such an easy way to cope with situations we are not prepared for or comfortable with. No one likes heartbreak. No one likes the feeling that they were not good enough. That they are not pretty enough. That they are replaceable, or that everything that was put into the relationship was meaningless. That you put in your all and they didn't. Or especially after the breakup when the person moves on faster than you. You feel like you're falling behind or something is wrong with you and your just wondering:

Why can't I move?
Why did they move on so fast or how?
Did the breakup not affect them at all?
Did they even love me?
Did they even mean all those words they told me?
Did they only want me for my body?

All those thoughts shooting through your head and you don't know what's next. Where do you move on from here and how. You've centered your focus, attention, energy and especially love. You put all your love into them. And now that they're gone you have all this love left and you don't know where to put it. So that's when you start talking to other people. Trying to get rid of it because the person you had all that love for is gone.

But for the people that don't talk to other people and just cry and reflect on everything in the relationship it's harder to move on. Because you are actually addressing your feelings and emotions, not pushing it down and trying to act like you're not bothered. The only way to heal is by addressing why you feel that way. I know missing them is a reason but is that all? When we look for a partner we look for something that we do not see within ourselves. That could be confidence, wealth, mental stability, attention, and love.

You have to think to yourself. What is so special about that one person that you can not find in another? Or do you feel like that person is the only person that could love you? That you are unlovable because you have never had someone love you in the way you were supposed to be loved. Most people think they are unlovable because of where and how they were raised. People that have matured at a very young age because they had to take the role of parent and watch over their siblings because their parents were busy. They had to miss out on hanging out with friends and having those normal teenage things. Since they had to take the role of parent, they had no one to turn to most of the time. Either their parents were not emotionally available or they had the mentality that they needed nobody but themselves. If there was a problem they would solve it. If something is wrong they stay quiet. They rely on themselves because they were all they had mentally. People were there physically but they were not there mentally and emotionally. Those people tend to be more closed off and more attached because once they open up to someone like that and that person gives them the attention and love they craved for. They don't want to let go. 

What goes in their head is:
If I let them go, will I ever have that feeling again?
Will I ever be seen?
Will I ever be cared for?
Will I ever be important to someone?
Will I be alone?
Will I be loved again...if I let them go?

Denial is the first thing a person goes through during a breakup. You think of all the possibilities and that they will come back to you. That they actually love you so much that they had to leave and that they will come back. But you need to think. Think. If someone had loved you that much they would have done everything in their power to stay with you. If it's their mental health that was the problem that's understandable. But if they act like they would never get back with you or try to make this work in the near future they are not worth it. They did not love you THAT much. No actually, they were not IN love with you. You can love someone. You can love many people, but being in love is different. You were in love weren't you? So madly and deeply in love that it hurts. The idea of them with another person physically hurts. You go numb by the sound of their name, or by their scent. Nothing goes through your mind when something reminds you of them. It's normal. It's okay to feel like that. Don't be pressured to move on so fast. Go at your own pace. And don't look for a distraction. Address how you're feeling.

It's okay to be mad at them and angry if it ended on a bad note. If it ended on a good one turned bad it's okay. But what's not okay is you hanging on to that anger and frustration, because in reality it's not the anger you're holding on to. It's the memories and possibilities that you are holding on to. And once you choose to let go of all the hurt and pain you feel that's when you realize that the pain was only temporary. No pain lasts forever only if you let it.

Since it's the first chapter I'll tell you something I've learned or learning from. No contact. No contact helps very much. Not being able to see or know what they're doing helps. But not completely because you sometimes tend to talk about them and rant to your friends about them. And your friends are filling you in on what they're doing and who they're with. That's not helping you. It's only going to hurt you more, you say you're fine but you know you're not. You watch all the YouTube videos on how to movie on; all the tiktoks on how to glow up and better yourself. But you can't better yourself only on the outside. It also needs to happen on the inside. It's okay to miss them if someone tells you otherwise don't listen. Your feelings and emotions are valid. Because it was you in the relationship not them. It's normal to have the feeling of messaging them and see how they're doing. But the only reason you're doing that is because you want to hear them say, "i miss you."

Let me tell you now to save yourself the tears and embarrassment. If you have reached out more than once and shared your feelings and thoughts to them and they don't feel the same. They have moved on sweetheart. I'm sorry it's hard to hear that. No one ever wants to hear or imagine the once love of your life with someone else. But if you've reached out so many times and they don't feel the same or do not text you first. They are either trying to forget you or they meet someone else. And the thing is you'll never know if they actually loved and cared for you. And it's okay. It's okay because the only person who loves and cares for you should be yourself.

If you can't love yourself how are you going to love someone else. All that love you're giving should be going to you and the person you're in love with.