Updates, Notifications, Important Things and General Housekeeping

The State of Affairs (Update: 14-06-2015)

Hello everyone, this is so long overdue that it isn't funny anymore.

First off, I'd like to begin by saying sorry to everyone who follows me, reads my works, comments on my works, votes on my works, talks(talked?) to me regularly, people I haven't replied to for a very long time, I think you all get the idea by now. I've been very neglectful of my Wattpad since the start of 2015 - I haven't even used it to read anything [properly] since the start of February or something crazy like that. As a result, I haven't written anything or replied to any pending messages. As somebody who prides themselves on quick communication, the latter of those things is just not on and I must apologise deeply to the people (particularly Lisaner) with whom I let conversation just drop. Likewise, to all my readers, I am extremely sorry. I've really let you guys down by not updating in years, which is something I never planned to do. I've had a reason though, if you'll read on.

Since December 2014/January 2015, I've been suffering from the eating disorder known as anorexia nervosa. It started out innocently enough - me wanting to lose a bit of weight so I would look and feel a bit better, as well as be fitter - so I started restricting my caloric intake. Originally, my intake dropped to around 750-800 calories a day. For someone of my age, exercise level and growing status, this is about three to four times less than what I should have been consuming. The effects were immediate, I started losing weight rapidly. During this time I developed an obsession with the scales. Originally, I'd weigh myself every morning after getting up (NOTE: even this is more than recommended, you only need weigh yourself once a week). Then it was every morning and night. I don't know when but I eventually started to weigh myself so many times a day - whenever I could and was able to, pretty much - and even multiple times in a single weigh in just to 'make sure' that the number was smaller.

When I first started weighing myself - 04-01-2015 - I weighed 72.2kg (159lbs), which is within the healthy weight range for someone of my height. I hit 60kg (132lbs) on 05-04-2015, nine days after my eighteenth birthday. Once I got there, I told myself that I'd up my calories, eat the necessary number to maintain my weight at that level. I couldn't. I found that I had developed a literal fear of eating more, I was so scared that the tiniest bite of anything outside of my 'safe' foods (low calorie, low fat, low sugar, etc...) would make me gain so much weight instantly. My restriction kept getting worse and worse as I cut out more and more foods. Like taking the cap-full of skim milk out of my teas because a zero calorie drink is so much better than a ten calorie drink. Then it was skipping meals altogether (usually only lunch because that was the only one where I didn't eat with my family because I was at university). Sometimes, I'd go a day or to without eating - this was especially true if we'd been out for a meal the previous day or if I'd eaten more than what I thought I should have. My intake in the extreme points of restriction was anywhere between 0 and 273 calories, well below what any properly functioning body needs to maintain itself.. My obsession with the scales only got worse, I was addicted to seeing the number drop - I wanted my weight to keep going down. As I lost more weight I could see my ribs and feel my pelvic bone and spine, which I enjoyed, as morbid as it sounds. At my lowest point, I weighed 51.4kg (113lbs). Quite frankly, I enjoyed being so skinny.

At the same time though, food consumed my entire life. I was constantly thinking about what I could eat, what I couldn't eat, what I would eat, what I wouldn't eat, what I really craved, how I wouldn't satisfy those cravings. Every time I experienced hunger I chastised myself. I couldn't concentrate on much else, just "FOOD! FOOD! FOOD!". I wasn't the one in control of my weight or my caloric intake anymore. This led to elevated stress levels, shortness of temper, severe mood swings (one minute I'd want to be left alone and get mad at my family for trying to be around me, the next I'd be needy and just want hugs), anxiety and the re-emergence of depression ("Hello darkness, my old friend."). Not only that, I lost all willpower and motivation to do anything. Didn't want to write, didn't want to read, didn't want to play games, etcetera. My life became all about the pursuit of skinny, a goal that seemed to always get further away.

There were also the physical effects. Constant exhaustion/tiredness (which was the major contributor to lake of motivation), dry skin, brittle hair and nails, inability to go to the toilet, dizziness, shortness of breath, constantly being cold - the things that happen to the body when it's been malnourished for so long. The most dangerous things that happened were a drop in blood pressure and heart rate, when I was monitored at my GP I had a resting heart rate of thirty-three beats per minute (consider that the normal resting heart rate is generally between sixty and one-hundred beats per minute except in well-trained athletes where it can be closer to forty but believe you me I am not a well-trained athlete). This led to a hospitalisation, a visit to a psychologist and a diet plan being devised to make sure I got enough calories. I didn't follow this diet plan at all, I kept restricting and I ended up back in hospital again on an IV drip. Not fun.

Now, I want to recover. And I am recovering. I've got my parents to hide the scales, I've started to eat a bit more and I'm beginning to challenge those thoughts that led me to this point in the first place. The end goal is restoration of my weight to within the healthy weight range - I want to stick around 63-65kg (139-143lbs) so I can still fit into my skinny jeans - and for me to completely conquer my fear of food.

There is good news, though! I'm going to make a commitment to start updating again. I've been through the reasons why I haven't been updating, so I think I'll end by promising that I will at least try. This is going to be one hell of a bumpy ride, so updates will probably be highly irregular. Hopefully, though, I can return to a regular schedule soon.

If you've made it this far, thanks for reading. If you guys have any issues (i.e. depression, eating disorder, etc...) don't be afraid to seek help. People care about you, people love you and these people will do whatever they can to help you.

Peace out!

- Reece