Relatable shit

1. I deserve it

TW
(Blood, Self Hatred, Self Harm.)

The voice is screaming at me, telling me I don't deserve anything. The nails on the edge of my fingers are long and shiny.. I test them on my skin and they are sharp for nails but not sharp enough to be a knife. They sink deeper in, denting my skin. It turns a little red and I likes the feeling. It is a feeling that gives me what I deserves... pain.

The dent takes up little space with little pain and I now have the sudden urge to scratch. Running my fingers along my skin, my nails pushing hard into my skin. I have no other sharp objects and the voice needed to remind I am not worth it. The area is red for now but I know it'll fade, so no one can see and then worry. Not that they would actually care.

I look around, desperate for a sharper object, something that will do damage. Something that will make me bleed.

I see nothing and a strong exhale escapes my lips. I slowly climb off my bed in my hoodie and sweat pants. The strings are very short, which probably means they are too small. Of course they are. I stand in front of the long mirror in my bathroom, being the most judgemental person.

I strip off, my hoodie and sweatpants laying on the floor in a small pile of dirty clothes. Looking at my body in the mirror, I feel my everything hurt. I look at my body for a few moment, seeing every small stubble, stretch mark, scar, little patch of dry skin or red skin.

First my hair, which is unruly and spiky. I have wished everyday that it would be soft and pretty but it isn't. Then my face which has dark spots, scarring and discolouration. My eyes are dull and my lips, unkissable. My nose is huge and I look away, almost ashamed of my disgusting body. My arms and legs also scarred and I see the stubble, reaching out to my arm to touch it but the surface is jagged. I look at my stomach, at the flaps and then my gaze drifts to my outer thigh the stretch marks making me look like a race track.

'Disgusting, Fat, Annoying, Stinky, Messy, Marked, Unloveable, Wannabe.' are just a few of the names the voice in my head are calling me as my eyes scan my body.

I look at my back calf and ankle squeezing the skin where there are red scabs, long and in rows of 3. There are so many razor marks in the area, it is obviously not a mistake.

'I did those.' I think as I feel a tear roll down my cheek.

I remember when I did, over a month ago. I thought I had gotten better but all of a sudden I needed to again. I heard the voice again. It reminded me of how much my life sucks. What a shitty mistake I am.

I suddenly have no control of anything. I feel dizzy, words echoing in my head, shouting now as it starts to blur out all other noises. The voice in my head are taking control of me, making me start the shower at a high heat. My foot slips in after a minute, into the scalding water. I emerge the rest of my pale body into the shower, burning my skin. The toned, tan skin tone that I usually wear turns red quickly, it getting itcher and hotter by the second.

There is something in my hand now but I can't see it, the steam blurring my vision.

'No. Not again. Fight it.' I think, my heart racing.

'Aghh!!' I scream as I feel a sharp pain on my upper ankle. I reach down to hold it instantly like instinct but my hand is already there. There is a red blur soaking my hands more than the water had already. I wipe my eyes with my arms, in desperation to see this mystery liquid. My breathing is heavily and my wet hair sticks to my face and body. My heart drops as my suspicions are confirmed.

Blood, seeping through a cut, my own hands made. I drop the object in my hand and look at the new long scars, fresh blood oozing out my poor poor ankle.

I turn the water off, my body soaking, aching, on the floor of the shower. Not a tear or feeling of regret comes from me. it is almost... pleasure or a feeling of being proud. I knew in my heart I deserved this and it was right.

Using all my strength I get up, getting out the shower and putting a towel on the cuts. I remain emotionless on the outside and inside. Numbness and emptiness fills me until there is nothing left to feel.

I sigh softly and put on sweat pants to cover my body up. I put the first thing within reach on (The hoodie form before) and then sit onto my bedroom floor, leaning against the bed frame. Scrolling on my phone, which happens to come up with beautiful skinny girls, I feel myself falling in love with their looking as I wish and pray one day I could be as gorgeous as them. They have such pretty skin and they are clearly not insecure. The small bikini's fit perfectly and their hair falls perfectly as their eyes glisten in the sun and they look just perfect.

As I watch them, live a happy life to the fullest, I remember what I saw in the mirror and a million small words are shouted by a small voice in my ear.

'Not worth it. Ugly. Fat. Racetrack. Grassy skin. Marked. Unlovable. Loser. Wannabe.' It tells me.

A/N

Damn... I have never written a story like that before...

Please give me your opinion and don't be too worried about me.

I feel much better getting shit out on paper and it just makes me more excited to post it.

This only took 20 minutes! Alarming...

Anyway, Silver out. Bye <3