Dreams & Fate

They say, college is the time for lots of opportunity to happen. They were right. Several times he had been in my classes. From freshmen to senior year. We had been together in Tours and Seminars. We have been groupmates, and partners in class activities. Our group of friends have bonded several times, but... There is only one thing that never happened. A conversation.

We NEVER talked. Maybe we did, but just a couple of times, like when we discussed academic topics which never really lasted for 2 minutes. What we always did was looked into each other.

When he's not looking my way, I always stare at him. Admiring his peaceful aura and the handsome face he fortunately inherited from whatever genes his ancestors had. And sometimes, in class, I can always feel he looked at me. Because when I looked at him, he's staring at me. Always.

I fell in love. I adored the times when I catched him looking my way. I adored when he's sitting right behind me and feeling the pressure of his stares boring into my back. I loved when fate made us partners and forced the weight of conversation upon us. I loved looking at him while he's cooking in the kitchen laboratory. Imagining him to be a great chef someday.

Four years of college, and I became contented with what we have. A silent assumption. A relationship which grew only in my mind. Dreaming that someday our paths will cross and will stay as I imagined.

 Graduation came.

His long time girlfriend and my long time boyfriend, (Didn't I mention this was reason why our lives would never have crossed? Yes. Because we were both taken.) were both up above the seats, watching us get our diplomas. When his turn on the stage came, he looked at me, and sincere happiness in his eyes were obviously casted upon the people watching him. 

The after party was held in a five-star hotel, The Peninsula. Only the school's graduates were allowed to join the party, so I was secretly happy that his girlfriend and mine would not be able to snuck upon us. Realizing that perhaps this might be the last chance I see him, I left my friends at our table and started looking for him. Minutes passed and my legs were aching from the heels I'm wearing, I wasn't able to find him. Until... Someone took my hand and pulled me in the darkness under a Sycamore tree in the hotel's garden. I almost screamed for fear but the moment I saw that it was him, my mind just went blank and all I could do was look him straight in the eyes.

"Jari, hi." I heard him say my name. For the first time.

"Hi, John." I was so confused and excited at the same time that all I could do was tremble in my knees.

"Uhm... Jari, I know we didn't really talk to each other since then. We're not really close, are we?" he stiffled a nervous laugh and continued. "But, since we are going our seperate ways now, I really wanted to clear my conscience before all is too late."

"So... what conscience are you talking about? Did you murder my father?" I smiled and giggled at the joke. He smiled. I hadn't realized tha he was still holding my hands.

"No, I think if i had in fact done what you're accussing me of, it'll turn out that I killed someone when I was just a cute five-year-old boy." He smiled again then, "what I want to tell you Jari is that since freshman year, the moment I saw you sitting in the corridor of the engineering bldg., and when you looked at me innocently, I started to fall for you. Since then, everytime I see you I became happy. I just never had the courage to tell you that because I don't want to ruin things. I have someone, you have someone. I don't want anyone getting hurt and I don't want to be rejected by you." He's now looking at his shoes and what he had just said made me real numb.

"I.. I don't understand. Why are you saying this to me now? Now, of all time, where we may never see each other again?"

"Exactly. This is my last chance to tell you I have been in love with you. And I don't have regrets. Because even if you reject me now, it won't matter. And I also possibly can't ask for you to love me back. You have James, and I have Mitch. I can't leave her. And the way I look at your relationship, you are happy. I'm not asking for anything. I just want this thing off my chest." He smiled but a tear fell off his left eye.

"Oh. Okay, then. So that's it then." I looked at the sky the moon shone brightly at us, "Well, I'm flattered. So, thank you. For liking me... I guess. I'm glad I could be of help in getting rid of a burden you've been carrying since then."

"Jari..."

"I gotta go, John. The girls are looking for me now." My heart had been crushed by a big boulder and I really needed to get awat from him. But something made me stop and look back at him.

"John... I like you too. Since freshman year. Bye."

I ran inside the building and into the ladies' room and cried my heart out silently.