our love | minsung ✗

thirteenth.

"if you want to keep a secret,
you must also hide it from yourself."
- george orwell

yong-sun drops off jisung at his house with a last goodbye. jisung walks to his bedroom with no thoughts. he didn't know what to think about it. should he think about the day he spend with yong-sun? or should he think about how minho felt as if he were avoiding him?

jisung was completely oblivious.

even after having a good time with yong-sun, he still felt his worries all come back within the second he stepped foot in his house. he wondered why that was. he wondered if maybe this was his reminder of his dreading life that he still has no desire to change; reminding him it's all his fault. or maybe, this was an example of what would continue to happen to him if he didn't want to change. he knew that he needed to change, but he didn't know how or when.

he knew that most people would tell him: change right now. change right now cause then you'll have such a better life.

but it wasn't easy to change so quickly.

it wasn't easy to change such habits you've had your entire life. it wasn't easy to look at the positive side of everything that everyone is saying to you. it wasn't easy to just give up your familiar life that you've been living as for what seems to be a better one. it wasn't easy, to just move on from the thought of having your best friend, that you hadn't know, loves you in another deep meaningful way.

jisung has been comfortable living this way. he's used to it. there's nothing that would surprise him in a wrong way and there would be nothing to be unfamiliar with. so, feeling confuse and not ready yet, is a normal thing he could be feeling.

it's like his mind knows what the change will cause, but still withdraws away from it.

it's not easy, as it was said.

and though the phrase was said and thought of so frequently, it only yet struck and linked with jisung and his life. he felt as if this was the moment where the phrase finally made a connection with him. where he finally could say the phrase with understanding it more than he thought of before.

ღ

the next day in campus jisung is sitting on a bench alone eating his food that his mother had made him in such hurry as she didn't want her son to leave without eating anything. jisung had not plan on going to class but his mother insisted on him not being lazy just because he wasn't feeling good. so, jisung forced himself to drag his feet to the bus stop, not wanting to bother anyone for a ride to school.

his sister had not arrived last night which meant she still had the car and jisung couldn't do anything but take the local bus.

but anyway, class had just finished; he planned to leave right as soon as that but he found himself craving food and he decided to take a seat and eat his mother's well prepared lunch for him.

it's been so long since his mother had packed him a lunch. and the thought almost made jisung want to break down right the second he brought it out. but he held it in and ate his food silently as he watched college students walk around him in such a hurry or calmness.

as he watched the people around him, he wondered how their lives were so different from his. there couldn't be much of a difference, could there? they probably had their own struggles that at some point made them want to break down or give up, but still they managed to pick themselves up and continue on despite feeling exhausted.

jisung wondered, what made their lives difficult?

could they be in the same page? a page behind or a page ahead?