Ablaze in my Heart

Dear Gracie,

In the distant hills I saw the first spark. Down in the village a young man was arguing with another. That was the first spark. The second spark, your mother stepping in to defend one of the men. The third spark, it ignited my heart.

Out here on the hills, I see everything. I like watching the village below and the life that takes place there. Every night, someone lights a spark. Not everyone sees the spark nor knows what is happening right away, but after the spark has set in, sooner or later everyone is in flames.

Dear Gracie, last night as I was watching the village, I saw a young man break into the house of another. He came back out with valued goods. I could not reach the village in time to stop him or warn the man who was being robbed. No, all I could do was watch. Tomorrow, the man who was robbed will be burning with anger. Some fires cannot be put out with water.

Gracie, I left you because I knew you would blame me for the death of your mother. Which in a sense, is true. I let her die, I do blame myself. I saw the house, that you and your mother were in, burst in flames one night. I was out here on the hillside watching for forest fires. I knew it was your house and I didn't think I would get there in time.

I drove as fast as I could toward the village. When I got to the house beams were falling and the roof was going to cave in soon. I ran inside. I found your mother carrying you and trying to make her way through the smoke. As I was making my way towards you I stumbled over something on the ground. I looked down and saw the corpse of a young man. He looked familiar but I did not know him. I didn't realize until later who he was. Your mom handed you to me and I told her to get out of here. She said she was sorry. At the moment I thought it was a funny thing to say. Looking back now, I understand.

I ran safely out of the house thinking your mom was right behind me. When I turned around, all I saw was the house collapsing behind me. I could've saved her but she slipped right through my fingers. Or did I just not try hard enough?

And now being years later, I still can't even entertain the thought of going back. Your mother's death was the fuel to the fire that was already in my heart. Everything made sense and it was too much to bear. I can't forget what she did to me nor can I forgive myself for what I have done. I never found a way to put the fire out. Some fires can't be put out with water, alcohol, or.....anything.

The fires corrupted me. I tried everything I could and finally now it is too much. So as I take my final breaths on this hill. I pray that someday you'll forgive me and that I'll see you again. But for now, so long Gracie, till we meet again.

Love always, your Daddy.