It's alright to cry
Even my dad does sometimes
Breathe in, breathe out
My throat starts to close from choking on the rough air, although I'm telling myself the breath in and out, but it makes me cry even more.
Weak, he says. You're weak enough to break down after she left you.
So don't wipe your eyes
Tears remind you you're alive
I look up, letting my tears fall down onto the carpet floor. I try and get up from my sitting position, but my legs give way. His laughter fills the dark room and I hold my tears until he leaves. My father crouches down and I look to the floor. He lifts up my chin and laughs again.
I should have gotten rid of you when I could have he mumbles and stands up, slamming the door on his way out. He had no right to come here, but he gave no shit.
I stand up and tell myself I can't fall, and if I do I will tell myself that I have given up, completely. My legs don't give way and I walk slowly to my room. I grab my phone from the kitchen counter and dial Namjoon.
It's alright to die
Cause deaths the only thing you haven't tried
It goes straight to voicemail and I throw the phone on the ground. The screen shatters all over the floor, and it starts to ring. Namjoons name flashes on the screen, and I pick it up.
I feel like death is upon me Namjoon, goodbye.
I pressed the end button before he could manage a word, and throw my phone on my bed. When it started to vibrate I just walked past it to the balcony.
I open the sliding glass doors and the cold air meets my face. I shiver, but walk to the ledge.
But just for tonight
Hold on
I look down to the ground, getting light headed when I think about falling. I grab my head and tell myself to step back. You can't die like this, you can't go down like this. Is this how everyone will remember you? The girl who jumped for her own reasons, to escape the world before it became even more cruel? Well, I won't let it happen, I need you to be alive. You have such a bright future ahead of you, even the Gods would be jealous. Remember what mom told you, carve what she said into your soul and heart. Please just remember what she told you that has kept you going even after she died. Just remember: For a star to be born, there is one thing that must happen, and that is a gaseous nebula must collapse. Collapse, crumble into nothing. This is not your destruction, it's your birth.
I know you want to do it, I can feel it deep in my bones. It would be easier to just die of old age, letting your soul become free and discover another body for it to develop into. Your soul is old and it needs rest. If you die now, it won't come back, ever.
You just need to find salvation in yourself and others, find something that makes you happy, please; for the sake of mom.
I quickly run into the house, bumping into a body as I come in. Fear and anger boils in my blood until I look up and see Namjoon.
He wraps his arms around me, tightly. I don't think he notices I can't breathe from how tight he is squeezing me, but I don't mind. It feels good to be hugged, I can't remember the last time someone has shown me affection.
So live life like you're giving up
Cause you act like you are
How dare you, how dare you.
He keeps muttering this into my shoulder, and soon I feel wetness spreading on my shirt. It takes me a second to realize he is crying.
Ever since we were little, I've never seen Namjoon cry, not even once. Not even the time he broke his arm. I don't like showing emotion, it lets people in and they see the real me.
I become frozen in place, and I can't even wrap my arms around him. My anger and fear has become distressed and sorrowful. I feel bad I've made him cry, and I gather enough energy to wrap my arms around him.
His tall body makes me look small, and I can't even reach to his back, so I just wrap my arms around his sides. We stay like this for awhile, until I mutter he's killing me from how tight he's wrapping his arms around me.
Go ahead and just live it up
Go on and tear me apart
At least you'll die with me
Namjoon lets go and wipes his tears away, and I see how red his cheeks and eyes are. He is showing his feelings, not letting them boil in.
He asks if he can stay the night, just in case my father comes in and breaks me to the point of no turning my back from death.
I say yes and he makes his way to the couch, but I stop him and ask if he wants to sleep in the bed. It's a better idea anyway, my dad might back off if he sees you.
He stops and thinks for a moment and then proceeds to agreeing with me.
Hold on
I tell him how much I miss my mom, and he wraps his arms around my stomach, pulling my closer.
Everyone dies, just some souls need to go home before others and they wait until you're there with them to move on.
Namjoon starts to snore, and I sigh.
I miss you.
