It's Murder at the Buy-Right

38

The day of the parade dawned crystal clear and about as cold as a naked hang glider feels atop Everest. The participants gathered beneath the first stoplight at Main Street.

This was near the elementary school. The playground provided a perfect staging area. Joseph and Mary Ritter were patiently waiting for the animals to be unloaded from their trailers.

Six pickups came rolling into the school yard; the lead truck was blowing its horn like Gabriel on Judgment Day.

Big Mama was at the wheel. She was grinning like a possum eating perfectly vine-ripened tomatoes from your patch. When the truck door flew opened, Mama unloaded like a butterfly exploding from her cocoon.

Daisy Ann gasped. Mama was enveloped in hundreds of yards of gauzy material. She looked like a blimp whose toilet paper rolling was totally successful.

"Uh, Mama," said Daisy Ann. "Aren't you a little cold?"

"Nonsense," said Mama. "Me 'n my babies are raring to go."

"But what, er, who are you supposed to be?"

"I am the best genie who escaped from her bottle. I'm the magic of Christmas. Ain't I a hoot?"

"Uh-huh."

"Where do you want my babies? I've brought them all. Even Esmeralda, although I do believe that little one got up on the wrong side of the bed this morning."

"Well," said Daisy Ann, "why don't you line up at the end. Behind Saint Nick."

If Daisy Ann thought Big Mama was a sight to behold in her seven million veils of many colors, she was unprepared for the costumes that Mama's babies were wearing.

"Mama!" she gasped.

"I know. Magnificent, isn't it? I had all these old burlap bags. A barn full! I thought, why not put them to good use. Inspirational, don't you think?"

"I don't know what to think," Daisy Ann muttered, but not loud enough for Big Mama to hear.

The llamas were really a sight to behold. Yards of ribbon and gauzy veils, not to mention bound by burlap tighter than Scarlett O'Hara's petite little waist.

A sultan's army of brown flaring nostrils.

The llamas did not look happy, at all.

In fact, if Daisy Ann had paid any attention at all to the poor creatures, she'd have guessed what was in each furry little mind.

Escape!

But there were a million and one loose ends to tying up a parade and making it a pretty package for the county's citizens. And Daisy Ann had more than her hands full.

Haddock Blachett's donkeys were kicking and putting up a pretty good fuss. The little bells that Haddock had tied to their feet were going off like firecrackers on the Fourth. Muley Vick's two razorback hogs were busy eating the greenery off the merchant's float.

Brandy Luck had just driven up with the Bodine's. Brandy had two girls that were rowdier than the Troublesome Trio.

But every Christmas parade needs wise men and at least a couple of angels.

Daisy Ann was impressed. At least Russell Bodine was behaving. Dressed in his daddy's faded checkered robe, Russell was standing quietly on the sidelines watching the show.

The robe had been looped over a piece of rope several times, pulling up the hem up just far enough to allow Russell to walk without tripping over it.

Daisy Ann thought he looked a little like an anorexic elf in Santa's everyday bath robe, but she wasn't going to quibble. Nell was gracious enough to volunteer her three for the wise men slots.

Who cared whose robe they wore?

Ernest and Clyde were tormenting the Luck girls. Ernest thought it would be hilarious to have Lucy's halo covered in donkey doo.

The silver tinseled coat hanger that had been bent for that purpose lay in the ground dripping in fudge brown.

Lucy was bawling her heart out.

Clyde, who stood by Ernest, laughing like a lunatic, turned fiery hot when Ernest decided to toss a few extra dung balls his way.

With the aim of a professional pitcher in the major leagues, Ernest landed his curve 'ball' right in the sweet spot.

Clyde coughed and sputtered and lobbed a left hook at Ernest's nose.

Blood gushed from the little boy's nostrils like a geyser. Nell screamed for the boys to behave. Russell just stood quietly by and smiled.

Pandemonium was about to break loose. Daisy Ann could feel it.

Just then, Deke walked up dressed in his reddest Santa suit. The angels stood at attention. The wise men coughed and tried to dissolve into the background.

"Round up this motley crew, and let's get going," Santa said. "We gotta parade to put on!"

The animals were lined up, followed by the three or four homemade floats on old tobacco sleds. Santa's sleigh float was hooked to a Jeep. And behind the menagerie was Big Mama and her herd of llamas.

"Mary and Joseph," Deke yelled from his perch on the sled, "you first. Let's go. Head 'em up and move 'em out!"

The group started slowly out of the school yard and made their way onto the hard surfaced road.

Nell had made sure that Ernest and Clyde were in position. The angels, red-faced and still sniffling, were right behind the two wise men.

She'd been so caught up with ensuring that her two delinquents were behaving that she totally forgot about Russell.

Quiet little Russell in his daddy's robe was busily fiddling with the many pouches in his oversized costume.

Daisy Ann could not believe her lucky charms. The pageant was progressing on time and without a hitch.

Down Main Street, they walked. 

The high school band was in its ninth rendition of the first verse of 'Silent Night' when Russell decided to strike.