“Lexy! I need you to stop! It’s not fair!” Jack half screamed at me, but I knew he didn’t have the energy to scream properly.
“Jacky,” I said calmly and soothingly “the love of my life has leukaemia and I can’t do anything about it, I don’t see any point in me being alive without you...” I suddenly how bleak the colours of the walls were in this room, how the smell of antiseptic was so strong. All I could think about was the countless nights I’d spent in here, singing Blink 182 to my Jacky, how could I watch him die?
“Alex, please listen to me, I’m being deadly serious-“ He smiled to himself, so I glared at him, he wasn’t funny. “We are both 17 and I doubt I’m going to live to see my 18th birthday and I need you to do the things I won’t be able to do. I need you to survive so I can live on in you. I don’t want you to kill yourself just because I’m dying...”
At this point I noticed how much I was crying, I scooted forward on this terribly uncomfortable hospital bed and took hold of his hands, kissing each of his knuckles because I could feel how much he was shaking.
“Baby, stop, you don’t know how hard this is for me!” I shouted in a whisper but I saw a nurse look up from the corner of my eye. He pulled his hands away from me and sighed.
“Don’t you bloody dare say I don’t understand! Stop acting like you’re the victim, I have cancer, I’m going to die, I have less than a year to live and all you can think about is yourself. Do you realise how selfish that is?” He leaned forward and pulled the sleeves of my jumper up to reveal the blood stained bandages on my wrists. “You tried to take your life! You actually tried to kill yourself! Do you know how horrible that is? Do you not understand how much this is hurting me? Look at me!” The tears were dripping off his face onto his t-shirt and he kept sniffing and I knew he was right, I needed to stop.
“Jacky, baby, I love you more than anything and I’ll do anything that you ask, I know this is harder for you than it is for me, but I’m scared okay, and I’m sorry.” I whispered as I looked into my lap, playing with the end of my sleeve, I wasn’t really sure if he heard me because he didn’t answer for a while. I looked up and he was smiling.
“All I ask is that you stop, I want you to be okay, you’re everything to me and I need you to be okay now, and I need you to be okay after I’ve gone.” He was still smiling and I knew he’d forgiven me for our little misunderstanding, but I still had to ask.
“Why are you smiling?” I suddenly felt my cheeks burning and he giggled, he actually giggled, but he sounded tired. He got tired a lot lately.
“Will you sing for me?” He said, while looking at my guitar, although he was yawning at the same time so I couldn’t really hear him.
“What song?” He didn’t answer me; he just cuddled up to a blanket and shrugged his shoulders. So I got my guitar out of its bag and played the first thing that came to my head, although I changed the words a little.
“I’ve been here before a few times,
and I’m quite aware you’re dying,
and your hands they shake with goodbye,
and I’d save you now if you’d let me.
So here I am, I’m trying.
So here I am, are you ready.
Come on let me hold you,
Touch you, feel you, always.
Kiss you, taste you, all night.
Always.”
I looked up from my guitar and noticed he was sleeping, but I finished the song anyway, I put my guitar away and sat in the chair next to his bed and kissed his head.
“Jack... can you hear me?” He didn’t move, so I presumed he was asleep. “I don’t want you to go, I’m so scared, I don’t remember what life was like before you. Do you remember that time when we were walking home from school and you fell over? And you cried for like half an hour and I called you a wimp, we got back to yours, we would have only been 15 or 14 and your Mom asked why you were crying and you told her you fell over, she asked to see your leg and you showed her, but your leg was bruised everywhere, it looked like you’d been beat up. She pulled up your other trouser leg and that leg was the same, she started ripping your clothes off looking for more bruises, and you had them on your back. We were both so confused and your Mom was ringing everyone, she rang your Dad and my Mom and the Hospital. My Mom came and picked me up and I had no idea what was going on and for some reason I was crying, then I didn’t hear from you for about a week, and my Mom came into my room one day while I was playing Mario and she sat on me bed and she said “Honey, Jack isn’t very well, he’s, he’s, he’s got cancer” and I cried, I cried so much because although I hadn’t told you at that point, I knew that I loved you, I love you more than anything Jack, and I know you’re sick, and I know you get tired and you hate it but you’re so strong, you’re so much stronger than I am, because I don’t know how long I have left with you, and I don’t want to think about it because I’m scared. Because you’re everything to me Jack Barakat, you’ve been my best friend since we were 5 years old, and no matter where you are in the universe, alive or dead, you’re always going to my bestfriend, I love you so so so much.” I put my head down on the bed and began to cry, harder than I’d cried in a long time, and I felt his hand on my hair, smoothing it down.
“I love you Alex, now let me sleep please.” I smiled at his grumpiness, he was always grumpy when his sleeping got disturbed, I sat back and watched him snuggle his head onto his pillow.
“Stop watching me, you creep” and then he was asleep, just like that.
