Switching sides

23

I the writing is flowing so you get two chapters.

Camila

"So tell me about yourself "

Where do I begin?

When my mom disowned me?

When I met Shawn?

When I wanted to die?

My thoughts raced and went a million different directions, so many things I could say, yet none seemed right.

"Why don't we start with why you are here"  Alice asked.

Alice was the therapist, the one Taylor had recommended. Her office was nice. It had a blush pink couch with a few lamps and a chair that she sat at. I felt out of place, but I was giving it a shot for Tay. Tay, even that name made me anxious. I knew who it belonged to.

"Karl-

"It's Camila" I stated

I hated being called Karla, it reminded me of him. I tried to convince myself that he wasn't that bad, that I was in my head. But the anxiety and reactions to things happening in my life said otherwise. 

"I'm sorry, the file said that name. I will call you Camila" Alice said with sympathy in her eyes

I nodded and crossed my legs, I wanted to leave. My eyes darted toward the clock- 46 minutes left. I think Alice felt my uneasy mess cause she cleared her throat and spoke again.

"So what made you decide to come here" she asked

"Well- uhm my gir- um  ......... someone suggested I come here.... To talk" I stuttered out.

What the fuck was Taylor to me?

Shit.

"I uhm, I have been having issues with my feelings and stuff," I said avoiding her eyes

I felt fucking pathetic.

"I get that way too," Alice said

My eyes met hers.

"You do?" I asked almost not believing her.

"Of course, I'm human and I have life experiences that make me feel certain ways," she said setting the notepad aside.

That alone getting rid of that paper lifted a weight off.

" do you wanna try being specific" she asked

Picking at my fingernails, what do I say? My ex was abusive and I allowed it until he hurt this woman that I'm infatuated with now that he's in jail for a while I don't know how to feel about her or myself and that I can't afford life or-

"Something small" She suggested

Right.

"Uhm I'm sad," I said continuing to pick at my nails

"Why do you feel sad, is there an incident or thoughts bothering you" Alice asked

I nodded my head.

I hate this, I hate talking about this, I feel weak and I want to cry.

"Uhm, my boyfriend and I broke up" I pushed out

I wasn't that bad of a lie, just half the truth.

"Go on" she pushed

What else did she want me to say??

"It was bad, and someone I care about got hurt," I said breathing in, I felt my heart going fast

" your ex-boyfriend?" She asked

Quickly shaking my head I felt the skin around my eyes prick.

No, not now.

" no, someone else got hurt, because of me," I say looking around the room

"Camila I need you to be open for this to work, " she said

IM TRYING is what I want to scream.

"Uh- he hurt her because of me," I said wiping a tear away as it tried to fall

Alice grabbed the tissue box and handed it to me. I shook my head and looked away. I don't need it.

"Why do you think it was because of you" she asked

"Because he told me - not to get close to her. He caught me ...." My voice faded

I can't do this

I can't

My breathing sped up and I felt like I wasn't getting enough oxygen.

"I can't," I said standing up

Alice immediately stood up with her hands up

"Hey hey, if you don't wanna talk about this we don't have to. This is your time use it how you want Camila" she said softly

My eyes darted around the room. I wanted to leave. I don't wanna talk about this. I want to be somewhere safe.

"Your safe here Camila, " Alice said

My eyes darted to her, safe here? There was nothing here to hurt me, nothing besides my thoughts.

"Do you want to go on a walk? There's a nice garden on the roof" she said

I thought about it for a second. That would be nicer than this room. I agreed and followed Alice out of the room to the elevator, once we reached the roof the doors opened to reveal a beautiful rooftop. It was mostly shaded with tons of flowers and couches with bean bags and multiple places to sit. Alice led the way over to a corner and I noticed a hammock.

"Can I sit here?" I asked gesturing to the hammock

"Of course," she said

She took a seat in the hammock next to me and I felt like I was alone, enjoying the nice weather and I finally started to relax.

"What's your favorite color" Alice asked

"It was pink, but I think it's changed to an ocean blue" I hummed

It was silent for a few minutes before she spoke again.

"Why has it changed" She asked

"Cause that's the color of her eyes"