I liked her, she liked another.

Honestly. It hurts worse than any other pain I know. She seemed just right for me. But I understand she also has her own feelings, and unfortunately, none of them were for me.

Every time I saw her, I'd get so nervous. I could tell she was really happy inside. I didn't want to ruin anything. Sometimes, I wish I could go back in time just to redo my life. I really think I've lost the only girl made for me. I expected it. Im disappointed but not surprised. I've become numb to it.

There was so much I wanted to do. I wanted to do everything with her. Nature walks, picnics, watching the sunset, star gazing, movie nights, making out, parties, late evening drives, talking about our problems, taking pictures, having pajama sleepovers, cooking together, working on projects, pranks and games, and doing anything and everything she wanted to do. But being unwanted is fine, too. It's my destiny, though it does leave a sting in your heart. It's okay. I'll take the pain. Im used to it by now.

I understand that ever since I was born, I've been a shortcoming. Im below average in attractiveness. Im extremely short. No one ever wants to talk with me. Im introverted. I lack everything that society expects from me. If only people knew how great I was on the inside. that's alright. There can only be one winner, and if that means that im always the loser, so be it. I have been so depressed previously that I don't really feel anything anymore. Im not going to allow myself to fall back into that bottomless pit.

Life is tough enough, so dont make it harder on yourself. Acceptance is difficult. Letting them go is even more so. Especially when you believed in your heart that they were your soulmate.

It's strange. I dont know why my heart gets fuzzy and warm thinking about her. She barely knows I exist, and on top of that, she likes someone else. My mind knows this. It knows she isn't interested, but it's still desperately looking for a way to make it work. When she gets a notification from me, it doesn't spark joy or excitement. Im not even in her thoughts or missed. The fear of losing such a wonderful and amazing person is too much for me to handle. I've already lost this war with not even one battle to my name. Even then, my mind still wants me to suffer more, despite the grievous massacre that befell me.

Im not sure what it is about her. We only met recently, and im already lovesick. It's as if my heart can see something that my brain can't. My heart is telling me there's something special about her. I didn't want to give up on her. My heart tells me to give her all the love I can. To be there when she needs help. To be supportive. To give her everything. To make her feel wanted, cared for, safe, and worth more than what she thinks she is. To listen to her problems. To only play fight instead of fighting over real things. To never argue, but communicate constructively. To make her feel beautiful and loved, even at her worst. To still be a romantic even after we were married and got old. To give her flowers. To hear her dreams and help her achieve them. There are so many more things my heart tells me to do. I'd be here till I died if I had to list them all.

I dont know what it was about her. I dont have a type, but she just attracted me so much more. I loved the fact that she is a reader. I loved how her music taste was on point. I loved how she smiled. I loved her weird and wacky personality. I loved how she looked with her glasses. I loved her piercings. I loved her body. I respect and honor her love for her cat. I loved that she surrounded herself with amazing friends. I loved how strong she was never to need someone else to do things for her. I loved how she dressed, and I loved her style. I loved how she watched anime. I loved how she was shy at times. I loved how she liked the same cartoon characters as me. I loved how genuine and introverted she was. I loved how much alike we were. I loved how we complemented each other. The only thing I didn't love about her was how she didn't love me back.

She was like Eileen. I was like Rigby trying to find her. She told me she wasn't ready. I told her I could wait. She told me there aren't any promises or guarantees that things may happen. I told her I'll still be here, waiting for the day that it could. She said many people want to be with her. It's okay, though. If someone else had her attention over me, they could have her. Im not going to fight over her. It's her choice in the end. I knew she didn't want anything to do with me at this point. If she did, she would at least consider giving me a chance when she is ready. But I was fighting so hard to stay in that fight that clearly wasn't going my way. So I consulted with myself and decided to give up temporarily until perhaps she is interested in a relationship again. I will wait. I will become better. I will enhance my qualities for her. I will sit alone, waiting patiently until she is ready

I wanted to be so loyal. I wanted to show you how much I cared. I wanted to show you all the love I had to give. I wanted to give you massages and rubs to relieve you from all your stress. I wanted to take you everywhere I go. I wanted to give you all my attention. I wanted to make you feel like there is something to live for. I wanted you to know how special you are to me. It's difficult. It's difficult knowing she doesn't want anything from me or, better yet, anything to do with me. My mind is its own poison. Delusional enough to make me cry, even though it knows very well what damage it's doing to itself. She was my everything inside my imagination, while I wasn't even a thought inside hers.

Well, what now? What is left? I plan to be her friend. To show her, I still care and that I'll always be there. It will suck when she finds someone else. But it's okay. I will be supportive. I know she doesn't need help fighting her own battles, but I still want to be there to motivate her even more or fight alongside her if she asks. I want to be so close that in the future, we could possibly be together like Rigby and Eileen. I want to see her happy. I want the best for her no matter how sore and painful it is to endure. I dont want her to forget me. All I hope is that we could someday be together.

And to anyone else who is struggling. You have a friend in me. I hope you do great in this world. Just living and breathing is already a lot to be grateful and proud for. Im glad you got so far, and I know you can go even further. Im here if you need me. I dont mind listening to your problems. I will help you with them. I dont mind if you just want silence and a hug. If no one told you this. I love you. You mean more than what my words can describe. And remember it's everyones first time living. No one is an expert at it. We all make poor choices sometimes. Let's forgive our flaws and mistakes. Everyone is learning. We can help each other out when we struggle. Dont be afraid to ask for help. I will always be willing to no matter how big or small the task. Much love, you amazing human being. <3