I was a hypocrite.
No… I guess I was just an idiot, plain idiot in the literal sense of the word.
Everywhere, I was looking for a sign; just one sign to tell me I shouldn't be here. That being here was the stupidest decision in the world.
Yesterday, I found myself inside the train on my way to town after finally heeding Yui's advice I should buy a new pair of shoes for today's special occasion which I think if I was truly going to be honest with myself would be the most horrid day of my life. I could think of no reason why I should waste a penny to procure a fancy, glittery high heel that I was sure to utilize for only one day. It's not like a few inches addition to my height would benefit me. It's highly unlikely that he would notice me. He never did in the past and never will be in this present or future. I should not encourage myself with hopeless fantasies.
I barely acknowledged the middle aged woman that had taken the empty seat on my left side. I glanced with disinterest the Konan Times newspaper she was reading when my eyes accidentally landed on the printed italic words in bold red 'Don't swallow what you can't digest.'
The words felt like a hammer pounding the insides of my head. It's intense red font blinding my mind.
Why? My rather unfocused self-denial mind questioned pointlessly.
That's because, my other calm clear-headed mind reasoned bluntly, it will keep rising to the surface.
I sighed despairingly. How far can I keep up with my perfectly made façade and ignore the countless questions and destructive thoughts. The embittered feelings of hiding behind a forced obligatory smile, pretending to be a supportive and loyal companion because I was specifically requested to be in this position… No, I will never understand and yet… Here I am…
But I guess what drive me to this level of desperation that teetered to almost irreparable madness was that I had been trying to find a way to justify my actions… perhaps, I was waiting for a small miracle; that tiny little thing called hope… that's why even though I wanted so badly to rip this expensive silk gown hugging my body into shreds and let myself walk naked inside chapel and then bravely and shamelessly scream what's in my heart, I decided to keep… quiet…
I jerked back at the sound coming from the car's passenger door. The gentle knocking of fist on the metal was enough to reel me back to the present I wanted to escape from. I whipped my head and saw Tendou looking at me with understanding smile from the outside of the window. I smiled cheekily, almost forcedly; hoping the stupid thick make-up would be enough to mask the pain away. But to see his sympathetic gaze instead of his usual playful ones made my stomach churn knowing my hiding had been another weak fruitless attempt.
I swallowed a lump on my throat. He was looking at me with pity! WHY?! Did he notice the pain hidden in my eyes? Was he going to admonish me for entertaining such disgraceful thoughts? It was not possible. I was certain I managed to perfectly play my act. I was applauded by my mentors and fellow actors in our club every time we performed a play, be it drama, comedy or tragedy. I was a damn good actress! There's no way he would see right through me!
But the way he was looking at me… I could not stand it… His sincere gaze to me was like a mockery! And I really-truly did not appreciate anyone's sympathy. Am I really nearing my boiling point that everyone seemed to notice the crack on my mask? Why was he here anyway?
I schooled my expression, casually brushing a finger on one of my locks while I raised one eyebrow in silent query. He tilted his head in response, nudging me to step out of the car while mouthing the words, "He's looking for you."
My heart skipped, momentarily losing my cool demeanor. He was looking for me? He wanted to speak to me with what would be the last few stolen moments before we all walked down the aisle in the next fifteen minutes. Wait! How do I look? I don't look awful in my make-up, do I? My grip on the bouquet loosened reflexively as I placed another hand to my suddenly flustered cheeks. Oh, I was so nervous and so happy I wanted to cry, fate was kind to me after all.
