Does He Love Me

Chapter 2: New Discoveries from An Unexpected Ending

                           *Mia's POV*

It's a new year and a new beginning, but the beginning of what? So many similar emotions swirl through my body so much I can barely pinpoint them. I feel lost. I feel alone. I feel a pain that I have never felt before. It's like something is sitting on my chest, and it's hard to breathe.

Breathe in through your nose, hold it in for three seconds, and breathe out through your mouth.

My friend who is an EMT told me this exercise is supposed to help regulate your breathing, but it's not working!

I don't know what to do. I'm hurting, but I still miss his presence in my life. Can I really be friends with someone I still love? I've never been in a situation like this, but I miss him. I'm willing to give it a try.

A couple months ago, I decided to take the first week of the new year off of work. Now I'm very appreciative of my forethought to do so. Granted, I didn't expect to be single, but I digress! Monday and Tuesday passed by in a world wind of sleep and tears. The only thing that stopped me from crying is sleep. Honestly, I feel ridiculous. Am I really getting this bent up out of shape over a man? For why?! As I had the thought of "I'm disappointed at myself," I also realized I am my own worst critic. I have to give myself some grace. This was the first romantic relationship where I told a man I loved him. Of course I'm going to feel different.

Wednesday comes and brings an unexpected surprise, a message from Anthony. He remembered that I was off this week and asked if we could meet. I couldn't say no. I didn't want to say no. He said he could come over after work and I said yes. I missed his laugh, his personality, his corny jokes. Frankly, I missed every aspect of him. I wasn't in the mood to cook so I door dashed us our favorite meals from Panda Express. Then, my doorbell rang.

There was Anthony. I greeted him at the door and the next thing I know I'm in his arms, hugging him tightly. He hugged me right back just as tight and we just stood there by the doorway for a few minutes, not wanting to let each other go. He spoke the words that I was thinking. "I've missed you so much." Anthony had a way of saying things that I was thinking even while we were together. It was annoying then. It's annoying now. Why must this man know what I'm thinking so much of the time? He still reads me like a book even though we aren't together! Whenever we would finish each other's sentences, one of us would always say "We're on the same wavelength I see!"

"Why do you always do that, say what I'm thinking?" I asked.

"We're on the same wavelength again huh?" replied Anthony.

"Unfortunately." I replied while rolling my eyes towards the sky.

Anthony laughed at my facial expression, but then his facial expression grew serious and he said, "Let's see if we're really on the same wavelength." He bent down and began to trail kisses down my neck, across my collar bone, to the other side of my neck. I couldn't help the moan that escaped my lips. He knows kissing my neck is my weak spot. As soon as he heard my moan, his lips were on mine. I don't think I'll ever forget that Anthony is a very good kisser. My legs started to feel like jelly, revelling in the intensity of the kiss. He felt my body language shift and lifted me in the air and I wrapped my legs around his waist, with my arms still around his neck. He pinned me against the front door, and his lips were back on mine. I vaguely remember thinking "What about the food?" Then I thought, I just want him, right here right now. Then he playfully bit my lip, and I knew I was a goner. I started grinding against his hardness and next thing I knew he was taking me upstairs to my bedroom, trailing kisses down my neck with an occasional bite, or two.

We hooked up right after Anthony had decided to end things with me, on New Year's night. This was the second time we hooked up, and it was passionate. He did all of the things I liked. He made me come  multiple times, like usual. However, this time with him was just like New Year's Eve.

Something was missing.

My feelings for him haven't changed. I still love him. So what's the problem? After climaxing together, we took a shower to clean up before eating dinner. Even that experience felt different. We didn't joke like we usually do and sing songs back and forth or help each other with washing all of the soap off. It was awkward AF. An endearing experience that we used to share became a mechanical experience only meant to get us to the next step of the evening. Recognizing the difference I wanted to cry, but I held it in.

After we finished showering, we went downstairs to reheat our food and ate dinner, only doing small talk about how our days were. Even small talk I felt a disconnection. It seemed that Anthony was being polite, but he was just going through the motions. So I suggested we watch a movie on Netflix. We settled on an Action/Adventure movie and I cuddled next to him like I usually do, and began to nod off an hour after the movie started. Anthony suggested we turn in for the night and asked if he could spend the night. Since it was late, I said of course. But that wasn't the only reason I said yes. I wasn't ready to let him go yet. I didn't want to admit it, but I knew once he left I wouldn't see him again, and I wasn't ready to face that new reality. So we went upstairs and got ready for bed. We settled in underneath my comforter and he kissed me goodnight. I didn't want the kiss to end so I prolonged it. I wasn't sleepy anymore, I was turned on. I got on top of him and I began to grind on his hardness as he sucked and played with my tits just the way I liked it. But then the unexpected happened.

"I'm actually very tired and I have an early day tomorrow. Let's get some sleep," said Anthony.

Not gonna lie, I felt rejected even though we had just had sex a couple of hours ago. Never in the time we had spent together had Anthony turned down sex, even when he knew he had a long day at work the next day. I said "Ok, goodnight," and I turned on my side and turned off the light. I laid there in the dark wanting to cry, but I held it in once again. I realized why it was different with Anthony now. The emotional connection we had built together was gone. I still loved him, but it wasn't the same for him, and his actions were telling me a different story after we had sex. Since it wasn't the same for him, no matter how hard I tried or wanted it to be how it used to be, I knew I couldn't do that alone in a relationship. I realized I no longer had a partner in that.

I've never felt so alone sleeping next to a man than I did in that moment, yet somehow with all of those realizations coming into my mind, I fell asleep. When I woke up the next day, Anthony wasn't there. And before I knew it, the tears began to fall again.