Growing Up Gay

The Other Woman Ch. 28

       Just when I thought this week would be a better than last week, my heart shattered again. There's no pain worse than liking a guy first and your friend ending up with him.
       I can't even be upset at her, I knew I wouldn't have a chance from the start, but that still doesn't change the pain I feel. I feel like once you get to a certain age you realise your type you realise what you're truly attracted to. And that was him, I'm going to call him Nessy, he's the archetypical mean to everyone but soft to you type of guy. But that's not why the only reason it hurts. This may sound dramatic but it's because he is the only guy that is my type in my school.
      I guess let me take this from what I first started liking him. During summer practice I realised I started to like one of the guys. I thought nothing of it but over time I fell more and more. It was something about his personality and looks that did something to me. Later in the year one of my friends started liking him as well.
       We both are the type to have feelings for a person but never act upon it. Although I have grown away from that slowly but surely. In my mind I didn't have much of a chance as he's a jock that likes to paintball as in probably straight. So me and my friend would just thirst over him in private and share why we like him. At first I would just tease her into to talking to him more. I thought it was simple fun but that changed later.
       It all started with a text that I pushed her to send. here's how it went,

Nessi: "I left hoco early because I couldn't stand all the happy couples"

my friend: "I can change that" (I pushed her to text this)

Nessi: Sick so you'll shoot me?

my friend: "Yeah murder suicide"

Nessi: "Bet"

       Later we all laughed at this till Sean got the bright idea of texting Nessi that he's bad at reading cues from girls. And that's when I started hearing the mix of two songs "The Other Woman" by Lana Del Rey and I'd "I'd Rather Go Blind" by Etta James. (Listen to them back to back to understand my emotions). The Other Woman talks about never being able to keep his love and attention. Yet she still comes to him and trying her best to win him over. I'd Rather Go Blind is about wanting to be blind in love as you're sick and tired of being knocked down and love failing you.
       I heard those songs as I read what Nessi texted Sean back. It revealed to me that this war me and her was fighting was meaningless, she won him. I told Sean to not tell Nessi about my feelings for him. I wanted to suffer in silence.
There's no easy way to describe my how I felt in that moment. I just felt empty, I lost my appetite and started to feel sick. All I wanted to do was to go home and cry into my pillows. To scream into the heavens until all the pain left me. But I just stayed silent retreating into my shell.
       As the bad friend Sean is he tried to keep it a secret from her but I told her as soon as I found out. Later as I saw Nessi walk down the halls to her I walked faster to get away from the scene. Yet Sean tried to get me to see their reactions played out. But I practically ran to get away, I knew if I saw such a thing. I would breakdown right then and there.
       Anyways they ended up together and I'm alright with it, but what I'm not okay with is the hiding and secrecy. Like it's okay you got the man, no need to act like it's Romeo and Juliet. Like it's kind of shitty how I have to find everything out from other friends.
       I get it, she's trying to protect me but I'm fine, I got the ick and I'm back to normal. So no need sis go have fun with your man don't sneak around my back.