A Sour Grape In A Bowl Of Sweet Grapes

2

Seeing people laughing their hearts out. Seeing people that I think are alone like me end up having a friend in another class. Or even if they are alone, they usually make a friend in class the next week. Leaving me alone along the loners. I soon became envious of those people. People who are social and popular. Why can't that be me? Sometimes I would fantasize about what if I was friends with them. What if I was comfortable to the point where I was close with them? They're lead my way into popularity.

But those fantasies are crushed with reality. Crushed with my alarm in the morning that rings at 5:45 a.m. During class, I can't even focus. I distract myself with social media from the environment around me. The constant feeling of being stared at by the whole class. My muscles start to stiffen due to all the eyes on me in the room. I always feel like there's at least one person in a room that spectates and judges my every move. Every time I look up, there's always someone I make eye contact with. Someone who's been staring at me. Once there glaze hits mine, all my confidence goes down the drain.

The times when I put my device down and try to make friends. "Hey wanna work with me"? Those end up in me having to carry the awkward conversion. I can feel the tense vibe from both of us. I try to cover up the silence with random questions. "So you planning on going to college?", But even I can't handle the awkwardness. All that runs through my mind is to be invisible, run away, leave, stop, and do anything to vanish from this moment. I dreamt about moments like this where I just imagined myself turning invisible. But this is reality, no matter how much I imagine. I still feel this awkward presence around me. I had to deal with it face-on. No amount of fantasizing would delete me from this world.

  No matter who I talk to, there's an aura that surrounds me. This aura makes people awkward towards me. I feel like my presence makes people uncomfortable. At times I start to believe that maybe I'm cursed. That this aura is gonna be with me forever.