Dearest, You Said (TPN Oneshots)

I - Don't Carry This All By Yourself (Rayemma)

CW:/ Panic attack, insomnia, references to a failed suicide attempt

Ray had always been a figure of stoic courage in Grace Field. Blessed with the curse of awareness, he'd always been the voice of cold, hard reason amongst the chaos that often swept the orphanage.

Since the escape, this had become even more true.

The barely 13 year old boy had become the rock, the strategist, and a secondary leader when Emma lost sight of what was ahead of them. He'd stepped up to guide them alongside her, his quiet determination a stark contrast to Emma's optimistic joy, and without Norman as their middle man they'd had to very quickly learn how to balance eachother out. Nothing stayed perfect forever, though.

The adrenaline rush that had kept him going through their harrowing ordeal had begun to gradually wear off after arriving at the shelter, leaving him empty and without purpose. They had shelter, food, water, and even new additions in the form of Lucas, Yuugo, and the kids from Goldy Pond. What was he good for, now? As they looked and searched for another way to the human world?

His failed suicide attempt, it now seemed like a sort of distant memory, like it happened years ago. The guilt of it remained, however, lingering like a bitter aftertaste, and as he lay awake at night the darkness of the shelter almost seemed to be mirroring that of the slowly creeping doubt in his mind.

Was he doing well? Were they safe? Was it actually okay to relax? Emma had almost died and he hadn't been able to do a single thing about it, he'd never been able to protect a single person when it really came down to it.

The nights turned into days, and the days turned into nights, and Ray could feel himself losing track of time but he was powerless to stop it. His aloofness had a new edge of desperation to it, his quips had a bit more bite, and he was trying very hard to make it look like he wasn't avoiding being alone.

He had a lot of practice over the years, and he mightve been able to get away with his act a while longer if nobody bothered to pay attention. Somebody was watching, however, and Emma could never look away when she realized her family was struggling.

She saw Ray's eyes darken with fatigue as his sleep deprivation grew, she saw the way his hands shook when he thought nobody was paying attention, her keen eyes picking up on everything he didn't want her to.

And yet-

"I told you I'm fine, Gilda needs help in the infirmary. Go help her." Ray muttered, even as he knew Emma wouldn't give up.

And give up she didn't. "Ray, I went to bed earlier than you yesterday, and you were still up way before me," she said, pulling him back by the shoulder of his shirt as he turned to leave. "You can't keep hiding these things, why won't you talk to me'?"

"Maybe I would, if you'd stop being such a damn pest." Ray snapped, and even as he flinched at his own tone he didn't take it back, ripping his shirt from his sister's grasp and leaving as a group of younger kids ran into the kitchen with them.

There he was, running away again, hurting the people closest to him. Ray felt like utter crap.

The night was cloaked in a sheet of tranquility and sleep as the hours rolled by, and Emma couldn't get Ray off of her mind. He wasn't purposely being mean, she could see it in his eyes whenever he realized what he said to somebody, but she didn't know what to do if he wouldn't let her in. Did she let him figure it out himself? Could she bring it up to Don and Gilda, rely on them as they wanted her to? Maybe Lucas and Yuugo could help, they'd been out for a lot longer than she and Ray had been, and Yuugo was just like him.

She was distracted from her contemplation by the sound of footsteps quietly coming down the hall. The only people awake right now should have been whoever's turn it was to watch the cameras, but sometimes the kids had a nightmare or wanted something to eat. Whoever it was, Emma couldn't see the harm in taking a look.

Except as she got up quietly from her bed not to disturb Alicia and cracked open the door, it was a touch of black that she saw disappear around the corner.

The redhead left her room as quietly as possible and went down the hall after Ray, making sure her pursuit was as silent as possible, but as she turned the corner there was no sound or sign of him.

"Did he just need to go to the washroom..?" She wondered out loud, though in a whispered voice still.

She decided to wait around and make sure, just for her own peace of mind, and stopped in to check on Lucas and Don on their turn to watch the cameras. They welcomed her presence, and Emma got lost in the conversation despite the late hour, only realizing when one of the kids came in to ask for help grabbing some water that she hadn't bothered to pay attention to the hallway.

Emma helped her sibling and sent them off to bed with a hug and a ruffle to their hair, before peeking in on Ray's room a couple of doors down and seeing no sign of him.

Alarm bells began to ring in her mind, and she looked back down to the dark expanse of the dining hall.

She was quicker this time, not worrying so much about her footsteps as long as they didn't wake anybody, and after a scan of the dining hall yielded no results she went to check the bathroom instead. Still nothing.

Where would he have gone? All there was to her right were the gardens, the document room's door was left open and a glance around inside answered no questions. All that was left was the corridor of storage rooms.

Emma started to walk down the long, crooked hallway as her mind reeled. Why would he be in the storage? He might have gone to another bedroom, encountered one of the little ones after a nightmare.

Flashes of a match dropping, the scent of gasoline, she hurried her steps. Sure he'd clearly been struggling but he was doing better now than ever, and she knew it wasn't fair to always assume the worst because of one incident. But then again, it hadn't been a spur of the moment decision, he planned and waited for years without anybody suspecting anything at all.

Could he have left the shelter..?

As Emma reached about halfway down the hallway, her heart was threatening to explode from her chest, when she finally caught a glimpse of one of the doors left half-latched. Ignoring the rooms between where she already was and there, she beelined, and as she pushed the door open she felt a rush of relief.

There was Ray, safe. He was hunched over against a shelf mostly empty, shoulders trembling with silent sobs as his hands tangled in the thin fabric of his sleepshirt. He didn't even notice her arrival, and Emma's heart clenched at the sight. She had seen him determined, scared, she'd seen him stupid and brave, but she'd never seen him look so small; broken, defeated.

Without breaking the heavy silence, she slid down next to him and tugged him into her side, ignoring the moment of resistance as he tried to come back to himself and pull away. It was only a moment before he sagged against her, a breath shakily forcing itself out before he clamped his mouth shut tight once again.

She could feel the warmth between them grow as he relaxed more and more into her hold, and his jolting sobs gradually lessened up as he calmed down. The room was silent aside from their breathing and the background hum of the shelter, and she had no idea how long it had been before she pulled them both up slowly and guided him back to his bed.

After settling in, Ray hiding his face in the curve of her stomach as she propped herself up a bit with his pillows, she could finally feel the pull of sleep and she knew he was crashing towards that outcome as well. She let a hand idly slide through his hair, growing longer day by day, and her presence was a balm to his frayed nerves that he hadn't known he'd needed until now.

Emma allowed herself a small smile as his breathing evened out once more, signaling he'd fallen asleep. They had survived Grace Field, and they would survive this too.

Together.