literal mcpriceley trash

family home evening

The Price family had gathered around Kevin, begging him to tell of his great Ugandan adventure.

Which he was, though twisting the story to paint himself in a slightly better light.

He had no idea how to word 'I ditched Arnold on day two because I was a dick with a boner for Orlando.' without making himself sound terrible, though.
And that part was coming up real soon.

"So this... this general guy comes in and HE IS SO SCARY I SWEAR I nearly peed right th--um, anyways, he was around my height, six foot, but probably at least 666 pounds heavier in pure muscle, and he starts talking about how he drinks blood for power and whatnot, and he takes off his sunglasses to reveal an eye patch. I'm understandably a little terrified, and he demands all females get circumcised by the end of week, and a villager tries to protest, but the general just shoots him in the face and his blood is all over me and Arnold's not as freaked as he should be, so I decide... I decide to just request a mission transfer to Orlando because I'm petrified, you see?"

Good job, Kevin, he thought as he mentally patted himself on the back. That recount didn't make me sound like a massive dickhole!

The Prices only stared, shocked. 

"And this was your second day?" Jack asked. Kevin nodded.

"But I faint outside the bus stop, for seemingly no reason but I guess we have to move the plot along somehow," he continued, missing out the hell dream, for obvious reasons ("You were in it, Dad! And Jeffrey Dahmer was banging you :))) hahaha isn't that funny... :/... mm. Hmm..."). "And when I next wake up, Arnold has somehow managed to convince ten locals to listen to him talk about the Book of Mormon. Only later, they put on a pageant for the mission president, and turns out Arnold has been making things up!"

"Like what?" Mr Price wondered.

"Umm... there were a lot of frogs involved. ANYWAYS I read their script after they'd finished, and there's actually like, a very beautiful symbolism to it. Because it was all about metaphors. And metaphors are the most sophisticated things in the universe. I guess... it reminded me of Orlando, all happy, and hopeful, and wearing costumes..." Kevin trailed off as he thought about his fantasy land. "Actually, everything reminds me of Orrrrlanndooooo--ahem." 

Kevin shoved Orlando far away from his mind. No time for that stuff now. It's what the internet is for. 

"The mission president didn't like it so much, though, so I told Arnold that I was going to stay, and help him fix it. And it all just went uphill from there! We even managed to convert the general, that's why I have my luggage back."

"How kind of him." Mrs Price commented dryly.

"Oh, it was. He gave all the other elders their stuff back too."

"That was wild from start to finish." said Jack. "I think it would make a great movie. Maybe even a stage musical, actually."

Kevin laughed uneasily. They had no idea there amount of cheesy singing he had to go through in the first few days of his mission alone.

"Oh, Kevin, this sounds awfully dangerous!" Mr Price cried.

"But he seems so much more relaxed now, doesn't he? You were always so tense before you left." Mrs Price observed.

"I guess I was put into a... different environment, and the people there really helped me to put things in perspective." Kevin said.

"Oh! I almost forgot, one of your mission friends came by, Kevin. He left you this note." his mother handed over Connor's note.

Kevin unfolded the note and smiled to himself as he read it.