just mine

chapter 1

Breathe....I remind myself once more as I sink deeper into the pool. I can't quite get used to the idea of breathing underwater, and yet the oxygen tank I'm currently carrying serves for that exact purpose. My eyes are screwed shut and I'm still holding my breath as I allow myself to sink deeper. The pool is 4m deep at the shallow end. It's not deep enough to be as dangerous as the sea, but still deep enough to practice scuba diving. At least that's what Gretchen says.
I feel completely exposed in my thin nylon wet suit. One I chose despite everyone else's protests. A decision I'm greatly regretting right now. It's around 3am and the water is as chilly as the air. I dare to open my eyes when I feel my feet touch the floor of the pool. It's rough surprisingly. I look down to see that it's grey. Cement, unplastered cement I suspect. My lungs are burning now, I really need to breathe out. I slowly let out a breath imagining my lungs explode in my chest, or collapse or whatever fancy words Gretchen used. Then I realize she was talking about ascension so I relax and try to regulate my breathing.
It's creepy being underwater, there's such an eerie silence. An unusual calm, all I hear is the quiet of the water. I decide to sit on the floor. Breathing underwater isn't so hard. It isn't too scary either, but that's probably because there are some lights fixed into the walls of the pool.
It's not too hard to get used to get used to the waters pressure, but that's probably because I'm still at the shallow end. And the calm silence is kinda growing on me. With my eyes closed this is how I imagine Theodore Finch must've felt. Of course he never had an oxygen tank....and he died. In that I feel like a fraud. He may be fictional but then , he still left his mark... Sometimes I float and imagine I am him, and his life is so hard, so relatable.....but then, everytime it's time to dive into the big pool. Every time I imagine how that moment must've been like. I am him and he is me, and I laugh at the absurdity of it all. At everything, knowing no one noticed. That dying would be that simple... And maybe I sit watching the waterhole for a while hoping that Violet might by some miracle show up. But she doesn't, and I'm still in my depressed state. And after not having to deal with it for a blissful while, it feels like an old friend is calling back to me... And because Ive been planning this forever.... I dive in , I keep diving and swim deeper and deeper and deeper....and the pressure gets to me before my lungs give out... But it's all welcome, and maybe that's the great manifesto I was searching for. Because, now everyone will know I actually did it... The suicidal weirdo did it...but right before I give in to my burning lungs I open my eyes and see darkness. And that's home so I smile even as a part of me wants to go back up and give it another go.