Another Life

Not Enough

I cooked and cleaned. I finished laundry and laid the babies to sleep. But it never feels like I've done enough. So I try to do more, then my mom tells me to stop. But I haven't done enough, why do I have to stop?

A few years ago, on my birthday, I went out with my mom. We sat down, and I started up a conversation. Then I confessed something that I've been doing since I was 6. I rolled up the sleeves and showed her my arms. They were red and swollen, a bit bruised and bleeding. Scabs as well as older marks could be seen. I watched as her eyes widened.

"I'm sorry, I'm so sorry. It's the only way I don't hurt my siblings." I remember tearing up with every word.

My anger issues have been an ongoing problem since I was a child, with no outlet. I took it out on myself. I didn't want to hurt my siblings. They'd sometimes provoke me to no ends, and then I'd begin to get angry and start scolding them. I'd go from raising my voice to yelling. I couldn't help but cry whenever this happened.

My mom blames herself for everything. She's taken so much on her shoulders that I didn't want to show her. But I knew if I didn't get help soon, I'd do something unforgivable. During the conversation, I remember ranting, sobbing to her.

"Why don't they understand, mom? Why don't they care? Mom, why?" My voice cracked up as I gazed down.

I love my siblings so much. They mean the world to me. But they see me as some bossy person. Saying I'm not their mom, but contradicting themselves when they say I'm like their second mom. I wish I could see if they understand my worries.

I've always been told, "they'll understand when they're older." I'm scared by the time they do understand I'll already be gone. I've already planned everything, and I plan on initiating my plan soon. I've been dead set on this plan for so long. But I'm hesitant now.

After I told my mom, since that day she hasn't had me help as much. But I feel useless. If I don't help, then what's my worth?

In the next chapter, I will talk about a car accident that led to me being taken to what we call the tenth floor^^