When You're Ready

chapter 3

"Oh my god he is so smart! How long did it take you to teach him?" Rach asked as I showed my guests what Mango's new trick was. He would play dead when I shot him with my finger and made a little pew noise. 

"It didn't take that long at all. He's a fast learner." I said as I was rubbing his belly and he was on his side on the floor.

My sisters' other dogs, Butter and Honey, were laying down on Mangos huge beg so they looked super tiny. They're both chihuahuas and all three are best friends. Thank God. I don't know what I would've done if the tiny ladies got scared of my big boy. And yet Butter stays being the alpha of the three. 

Mango knows to be super gentle as he's giant compared to them. But I think he thinks he's still smaller in size like when I first got him from the shelter. He was always bigger than them, but now compared to those girls, he's a horse. 

"Wait so when are you going to tell us why you reacted so much at that meeting today?" Thomas inquired as he took his last swig of his beer in the kitchen. Him and Antonio were in the kitchen while all the ladies were sitting in the living room. The tv was on but no one was watching. He was grabbing another from the fridge and walked over to us. Ant was grabbing a lime from the fridge to drop in his beer. 

I patted Mango's belly a couple time before I kissed his forehead and walked over the couch and sat down. Mango went to his cousins, and he laid down next to them.

Thomas sat next to his wife, and I took a drag from my mushroom bong. Rach was at my right; my sister was at my left and her husband came and sat next to her. We opened a couple beers, all the snacks were out, and my rolling tray was in the middle of the coffee table.

"Ugh okay. I guess I should explain why I even called everyone over here tonight." I said and flicked the lighter on and took another drag. I inhaled and lifted the piece, so all the smoke lifted and filled my lungs. I took a couple seconds and exhaled.

I put the bong on the coffee table and grabbed my beer.

"Well, what prompted this in the first place?" Kat asked. I took a sip and swallowed.

I cleared my throat before saying, "I almost had a panic attack today." The ladies in the room looked at me and turned towards me to give me their full attention.

"You haven't had one since you lived with mom and dad." Kat said and I took another swig from my beer. I nodded after I was done.

"Yeah. I felt like I was 22 again." I put my beer down again so it wouldn't grow warm in my hands. I took a deep breath and exhaled to calm my nerves. My heartbeat was already starting to drum at a faster pace.

"We're starting a new project at work, but we can't tell you guys details. But something that I will tell you, you guys can't tell anyone else." I took turns looking everyone in the eye, so they knew I wasn't fucking around.

"I'm kinda risking my job just telling you this, but I wouldn't be able to fake my emotions if I didn't tell you guys. We signed NDA's so this conversation never happened." They all nodded, and I took a deep breath again. Fighting that tightening in my throat.

I trusted these people with my life and Mango's. I had no problem telling them this stuff, and I knew they wouldn't tell a soul. But opening these gates is not going to be fun. Years of therapy have let up to moments like these. 

I felt my heartbeat race and I could feel my pulse in my ears. 

"Shawn Mendes is going to work with us on our next project." Kat and Ant both widened their eyes and looked at each other. 

"Shawn Mendes, like the artist?" Rach asked. She and Thomas looked normal and were waiting for me to continue. I nodded.

"That's why I wanted you guys to come over. There's a small history between him and I." I wasn't looking anyone in the face anymore. I was twiddling my thumbs and I stared at Mango licking his paws.

"Wait, wait, wait. There's history between you and Shawn Mendes? Like the musician Shawn Mendes?" Thomas asked and took a couple chips from the bag on the table. I chuckled and nodded.

"Yeah. I have to tell you guys about my old life in Toronto." I said and reached for my beer again.

I took a swig as Kat said, "It didn't end well." I smiled as I drank and nodded again.

"Oh yeah. It was the worst." I finished my beer and got up to get another one. I'm not one to drink, but with this conversation I was going to need it. I dumped the bottle in my recycling bin and went to open up my fridge.

"Wait, I knew you lived in Toronto for a while, but you never mentioned knowing someone famous. Like ever." Rach said and bit into one of the Hot Cheetos. I chuckled as I cracked my Corona open and threw the cap in the trash.

"It's not something I like to mention or talk about." I reached into the fridge again for a lime and then grabbed a knife from the knife stand close to the sink. "It's a part of my life that I try to forget." She didn't say anything after that. No one did.

I cut the lime into fourths and squeezed and sunk one of the lime slices inside the beer bottle.

Corona and Modelo taste so much better with lime and salt.

I grabbed my beer and went to the couch again.

"Okay, so." I sat down and put a blanket on my lap. "He's going to be with us for the next year and maybe even more if we get another season greenlit. But we had the first meeting today and they introduced the artist. For months they kept it a secret that we were working with a male musician, and they refused to give us any hints, so we waited. Until today. Our director finally revealed it and I kind of died inside when she did." That's when Thomas started nodding.

"Now I understand. Not fully, but your reaction makes a lot more sense now." Tom said and finished his beer. He got up and walked to my fridge.

"Hey Tom, you mind getting me another one?" Kat asked after she was done with hers. Tom didn't say anything, he just sent her a nod and brought 2 beers.

"How did you react?" Ant asked. It was my turn to grab a Hot Cheeto.

"My body had a visceral reaction to the mention of his name. I had completely forgotten my old life and when his name was brought up, it took me back to being a teenager again." No one said anything. I think they were all still processing that information. 

I'm even still processing in my head. I don't think that'll go away for a while.

"And how do you feel?" Rach finally asked after no one said anything.

I don't even know how I feel.

I shrugged.

"If I'm honest, don't know. My body is still in shock and my brain doesn't know what to do with its hands." I chuckled but it didn't dull the tension in the room.

"Do you guys know when you'll actually see him in person?" Kat asked and started eating Cheetos again.

Thomas answered this one for me.

"The director mentioned he was coming in tomorrow to meet the staff and get acquainted with the building, whatever that means." He said and shook his head while he furrowed his brow and took another swig.

I was starting to zone out and think of the last time I saw him in person.

"How did it end badly though?" Rach asked and cut off the memory.

I took a deep breath and cleared my throat yet again. I really don't want to get angry again, but it's been years since I talked about this.

"The year was 2019."