An Idiot's Guide to the Servantverse

Where the Hell am I

So I may have just been killed and in the wise words of Shirou (Fucking) Emiya, people die when they are killed.

So you may be asking how a young guy like me died, was I out by the tracks, maybe a random god killed me, or maybe just maybe it was just my own incompetence. Well if you guessed any of those you're wrong, it was a murder, by who, how and why. It was because I rejected some guy, like he expects me to reciprocate his feelings just because I like guys, but I'm not ready for a relationship do you know just how much energy that takes, I don't have the time for commitments I have fics to read, music to listen to, feelings to cry over. But turns out you should probably not say nothing while giving them that blue-eyed stare, it also probably doesn't help if the person is crazy enough to do it while in the middle of class, like seriously I'm trying to slack off here maybe even do work since I want to go on a field trip. As for how, that fucker knew where I lived, and he bashed my head in with my phone while I was summoning for Van Gogh and just when I got NP3 he struck.

So that's how I died,  now did you know that if you die in a funny enough way Mr Satan will isekai you, (don't question why I was down there) with a few extra goodies depending on how funny he found and he has a terrible sense of humor, and so you probably want to know how the conversation went don't you well your wish is stupid as hell but sure.

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"Hahaha... oh that was fucking hilarious!" He said while while lying on his back from laughter. By just looking at him I could already tell he would be a nuisance

"Yeah yeah laugh it up dickhead now what do you want and who even are you." I said while looking at him with contempt, as if I would strangle him at the provocation.

"Hehehe oh where are my manners names Satan might've heard of me." He introduced himself with great fervor that would make a normal person look at him as if he were insane, unfortunately I'm not.

"Wooow... so what's the reason you're here big man as you probably don't just show up for just anyone, and you're obviously a busy man." I lazily explained as I slowly stood up and looked around seeing many things such as a sea of fire, people gorging themselves on food slowly looking more and more mindless with each bite. Mountains of gold that when people touch turn them into more gold for the pile. Arenas filled with bodies of forever living corpses forced to feel the aftermath of their wrath on themselves. "Always knew I'd end up here, just not this soon." I whisper barely even able to hear myself.

"Well Sam you must wondering why I'm here, well I found it quite funny how you died if you couldn't tell!" Damn is he annoying, I just wish he would shut the fuck up. "And when I find something funny it deserves a reward doesn't it!" Wow he does not stop yelling.

"Yes it does, now why am I here is because I'm bi or what, did I unknowingly murder someone." I say with a bored tone that's obviously starting to get on Mr Satan nerves.

"Yeah that's the reason you're here the big man upstairs is pretty homophobic," damn God must be a piece of shit, "now for the reward of making me laugh, I'm sending you to the world of servants, a place where you can give me even more entertainment!" Of course first I meet Satan then I'm forced to go in to a death world where with one wrong step Alaya will destroy any freewill I have. "Of course sending you there with nothing would be idiotic I want entertainment not immediate death, so you get like three of boons from me just don't try to worm you're way in to more boons after all I'm the one who decides if you can go or not." He says the last bit in a low tone to indicate that he is serious. 

Okay let's think this through I'll need a new body this one definitely won't survive contact with a servant, so let's go with one preferably doesn't have a gender as I don't want deal with the issue of it I'll still be a guy but with a different body, I've heard that there's a species of Ranmaru who's gender is also Ranmaru I don't know what that means but I don't care, if the body is feminine I won't care, I just don't wanna be masculine and I think they aren't, now for a second boon I'll need some power maybe an authority like fire or maybe technology since authorities can create things like that at will and I could probably make something similar to the Fate system maybe improve it as well. For the final Boon it has to be important like a system or maybe a true magic but maybe I could have something more powerful like the ability to actually talk to people so maybe something like having a maxed out charisma stat, yeah that could work.

"-And that's how I killed that Grim Reaper bastard!" Huh was he talking while I was thinking of my what to choose, meh it was probably boring I just wanna leave. "So I can tell by that look on your face that you've chosen so tell me, after all your wish is my command." As if that wasn't creepy enough he just started to giggle to himself. 

"For my first boon I would like to be born as a Ranmaru, my second is I would like the authority of technology, and my last one I would like to have a maxed out charisma stat." I say proudly as if I didn't say some of the most embarrassing stuff to ever come out of my mouth.

"Hahaha oh that last wish is hilarious and that first wish oh man I sure was right choosing you, granted hope you have fun with your planet full of yourself!" Now that's not ominous, well I hope that this goes well enough that I could maybe find a way to kill God for making me deal with this bastard.

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So that's how I got here with two parents I can't see the difference between, they look the exact same but I can tell them apart by the pronouns they're using, oh did I also mention that they are speaking Japanese which I can't speak,  one's using "boku" as their pronouns and one's using "atai" and so that good enough for me, I know that with enough time I'll be able to tell them apart, the problem is the fact that they look exactly the same so I can make an educated guess that I will also look like them, this is not going to be fun.

(Author Notes)

Hey this is my first time seriously writing so I hope you like it as this was quite hard for me to make please tell me if you find any grammatical mistakes as that's one of the hardest parts of writing for me