Su Capla, Her Guilt

Sawtober, Octobin

Due to me being unable to sleep and my current hyperfixation on Saw I have decided to write a fic between Amanda and John bcuz they're my fav characters and holy shit their father/daughter relationship heals me. I just watched Saw X and decided to watch all the saw movies for the first time- and before anyone judges me for waiting this long to watch the Saw movies- yes ik I'm extremely late to the party. But in my defense I was like 4 when the first Saw movie came out and I wasn't allowed to watch it lol. Plz enjoy the following fic which explores the relationship between Amanda and John.

Following the events that happened in Mexico, Amanda and John return home to continue their work of rehabilitating people; however, Amanda has been unable to keep herself from feeling guilty and responsible for Carlos' involvement and John's near death. Even Hoffman has noticed a drastic change in Amanda, and John decides to confront her.
TW: mentions of & implied self harm
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Her eyelids felt like led, noticeable bags lining underneath her bloodshot, tired eyes. Amanda was exhausted and yet had been unable to sleep or eat for days. She spent her nights staring up at the ceiling thinking about Carlos and John in the trap that was meant for her and blamed herself. During the day, she did her best to stay awake and kept herself busy working on various traps, sketches, and keeping tabs on the people she and John would soon be testing.

Even while sitting at her workbench tinkering with different mechanisms of her traps, her mind drifted away to the night that constantly plagued her mind. Carlos' face covered in blood from almost drowning in it, his coughing and sputtering, John keeping his hand on the lever to save Carlos. He had fearlessly and selflessly put his own life in front of Carlos' to protect him. It almost killed him, John had almost died that night....

And all Amanda could do was watch helplessly off to the side.

'It should've been me,' she thought bitterly, feeling her stomach in a knot. Of course, it hadn't been her idea to put Carlos in the trap, that bitch Cecelia had forced her to make him play a game that was meant for her. Amanda had been fully prepared to drown in blood that night in order to protect John. That was the plan, she and him would be forced to play the game and Amanda would keep her hand on the lever so that John would be safe.

Instead, it had been John that almost died that night. She knew it wasn't her fault, yet she still felt responsible for what had happened, despite following her mentor's very clear instructions.

Amanda's chest had been hurting for days. It felt like someone was repeatedly kicking her heart every time she thought about that awful night. 'You could've saved him.... He could've died that night, and what did you do?'

"Nothing," Amanda would whisper in the dark, swinging her legs over the side of her bed and standing up. Unable to bear the weight of the shame she felt, Amanda would head for the workshop deciding to continue her work.

That was how her nights would go.

Anytime Amanda closed her eyes and tried to get an ounce of sleep, she would see John strapped down and gasping for air. It haunted her every time. She couldn't even begin to think about the nightmares that plagued her mind, it was unbearable to have to relive everything that happened over and over again when she was asleep.

John's attempt at comforting her hadn't worked. He told her that it wasn't her fault, even praised her for following the rules of the game and for trusting him. Yet, Amanda still could not help feeling responsible. She stopped looking at John because everytime she looked into the man's aged face, flashes of blood smeared all over his face and clothes would appear and it would make her sick to her stomach. She couldn't bare seeing him like that, could barely stand watching his health deteriorate.