The Loss and Return of a Friend

Happiness After Grief is Rough

As I’m finally feeling better after being ill since Tuesday (It's Sunday now), I decided to go for a walk, and as I often do, listen to music. The one-year anniversary passed this week and while I spoke of thinking about the past year, I was really in the right mind frame and kept interrupting myself with coughing. I thought on my job and how far I’ve come, I’ve taken up climbing this year, and I thought on friends I made. And then a certain song came on and I thought of grief.

My main playlist on Spotify is my liked songs, which is a good timeline of how my song choice has shifted over the past 5-6 years or so. I always add new songs to it and rarely take ones off and never if they are older than a month. I always listen to music so when something happens, I’m often listening to music and then that song becomes linked to that memory. Sometimes it’s stuff I listen to while reading so songs like “Everything Black” by Unlike Pluto is linked to Parahumans because I listen to the song on repeat while reading. And one day, while on my way to work while listening to “Black Water” and “Now That We’re Alone” by The People’s Thieves and “Everything Or Nothing” by Willyecho, I heard the great news that a friend had got back in touch. And I felt everything.

You know when you’re at school and something new happens every day, so you always have a reason to talk to someone and then school ends and you go your separate ways, and you never speak to them again and then one day you think of them and wonder what happened to them? What if you went your separate ways but never stopped wondering what they were up to. What if you both were still at school but then they got ill for a week and then 2 and then they just didn’t come back. And you realise you don’t know how to reach out because you aren’t sure where they lived. But maybe the illness is bad, but they’ll come back in a month, but a month has passed so it must be serious, but they were strong, so they’ve got to come back this month.

But they don’t and people are asking you where your friend went because you were like best buds, but you don’t know, and people are asking where they are, and you don’t know. Now fellow school mates are coming to you with problems because you’re also kind of smart but like in an academic way and not socially, but they were great with both so as you were friends, people are asking for social help and you just don’t know and the pressure to help is too much. Why can’t other people see you’re struggling?! Why did they leave! This pressure is their fault for leaving! Without even a note! How dare they! I’m Struggling too but I need to help these fellow students.

Do I need to help these fellow students? Maybe if I don’t then my friend will come back maybe they will see me struggling and help out. I’m not sure but they could. Maybe if I stop, one of my classmates will try to find them and bring them back to the school. Maybe if I pray to each pantheon for a month, one of the heal-y ones will help out my friend. It can’t hurt more than this.

Oh god, why does it hurt so much. What if they are gone-gone? Everywhere I go in this school reminds me of them. Less people are asking now but it still hurts every time. And I wonder why I’m still at this school and is it still worth it with this pain. Nothing is really happening outside of these interactions; is it just hope keeping me here. I have a habit of holding on for too long. But once you notice a habit that’s the way to break it. But I don’t want to.

I look in the various halls and laugh at the times we had, the fun on the pitch, in the classroom. The library where we talked for hours about random stuff that didn’t matter. I laugh thinking about the world we created.

It didn't matter if they were gone, whatever that meant. Those times still happened, and that friendship was awesome. But things end and wherever they are they are changing the world because they changed mine. And so, whenever someone asks me where they are, I lie and say they are doing some awesome things as the smartest and wisest person I know.

And then I get a message that they are back.

When people in movies or shows say they don’t know how to feel about something, I used to scoff at them, “feel happy or sad or excited, it’s not that hard”. I still mostly think that way most of the time, but I really didn’t know how to feel in this case.

Of course, I was happy they were back. But I was also sad because I had been leading our school and now, they were back most people would put them back at the top. I was angry because I had worked hard to be here. I was excited to potentially expand our world. I was upset because I had been on a long journey but now it was a waste of time because they were back so all that grief for a loss of a friend now meant nothing. How dare they do that to me.

Why am I so angry? I know why they were gone and why they couldn’t message me. I know they were hurting for completely reasonable things whereas my thing just seemed silly now.

This all happened a year ago and I’ve only just put everything down into words. People that know me know I hate writing; I love to tell stories but not to write (even if I can be quite good) so this exercise has surprised me. It felt like a good time to release these bottled-up emotions, even if it has been a year. I’m doing a lot better now and no longer angry and just happy to know they are ok. If any of my classmates read this, I don’t blame any of you for how I felt. There were many other things going on at the same time, not just this.

If by some chance the person that this is about ever reads this, I hope you are doing well, send a message. You’ll do great at whatever it is you do, no pressure.