There was a moment in time when the painful agony overwhelmed my body, mind and soul. I was stuck in a bubble of despair which blocked out all signs of hope. The darkness took over and I wasn't myself. Only a handful or less active participants in my life understand what I'm talking about. The rest of the people who claim they love me have no idea what compelled me to jump off of my school building. They are the ones who don't understand because they are the ones who ignored my everlasting cries and screams for help. Those blinded people avoided my on growing problems because they didn't want the monster inside of my head to consume their life too.
There wasn't a single star in the blank sky the eventful night I was on that rooftop. It was that starless night that I had made the biggest choice of my life. Ironically it was to end my life along with whatever choices might have come my way in the future. But when you choose to end your life, you're not just pressing pause on the present. There is no such thing as a pause button. Once you are dead, that's it and there's no turning back. And you're not just canceling your present but you are canceling your future and eliminating your past. I say "eliminating your past" because after all, what sense is your past going to make without your future? Every situation of the past shows you the path to your future and all of those bad times will make you realize that it all had to happen. This is the lesson I have learned since that lonely night last summer. But you have to understand, I didn't realize any of this until the voices in my head pushed me off of my high school building. I'm going to walk you through exactly what happened. This isn't the version I told the police or my questioning father. This is my story.
If you're thinking I almost killed myself because of a heart breaking high school romance or divorced parents or friend drama then I want you to sit down, shut up and listen without your judgmental ears. As a kid I was happy and it wasn't the fakeness I try my best to portray around adults and my peers. I felt pure joy and at the time, I didn't think there was any other way of feeling. Little did I know that the joyful feeling in my big heart was a sneaky son of a bitch. When that peaceful happiness abandoned me, what it left in its tracks were emptiness, sorrow and loss. My skies were gray and they consumed me and slowly took away everything and everyone I cared about. Some people say that I didn't have a "good enough" reason to be on that rooftop on that secluded gloomy night. Those people don't understand how the feeling of emptiness can really impact your life. Not a single drop of motivation or inspiration was in my reach. I spent days upon days just lying in bed unable to move.
My teachers would ask me why I wasn't completing my assignments. My parents would threaten my social life if I didn't do what I was told. My friends bothered me with unimportant complications like why I wasn't telling them my deepest darkest secrets. But no one asked me the significant questions. No one pondered the thought of if I was happy because they didn't notice that anything other than contentment is what I felt. Or maybe they did notice but just didn't know how to approach my demons. After all, most people run away from conflict that can't be easily resolved. My only wish is that if someone noticed my pain they would have tried to save me.
People see what they want to see. Even though I was miserable, if they didn't want to deal with it, their subconscious mind would have replaced my silent screams at night and puffy eyes in the morning with a smile. I just wanted to be noticed and I wanted someone to acknowledge my true existence and not the one of me they built up in their head. If you think I'm a teenage girl seeking attention then I can't stop you. But please know that it is much more than what I'm leading you to believe at the moment.
The point is that no one saved me from going on to the rooftop. The clock struck eight and I walked out of my childhood home for what I expected to be the last time. My father would be home the next morning from work and would realize I wasn't there, but I figured he would be okay because he had my siblings to look out for him. My siblings and I never had that special family bond and I didn't think twice about if they would miss me because I already knew the answer. The forceful chilly winds blew my hair back and made my nose turn rosy. As my last outfit I chose to wear a burgundy colored crop tank top that stopped right above my belly button, black high wasted leggings that started right under my belly button, and black ankle boots. My pale skin was covered in goose bumps but I didn't bring a jacket because I just wanted to feel the air against my body for one last time. My golden short hair was down and curled from the exhausting previous day. Now I was just walking in the bitter cold to the high school. I was remembering how my mom would take me to school every day and we would have long deep meaningful talks. She died a little over three months ago from a car accident. I've already been through all of the insincere apologies from friends and acquaintances and the remorseful looks. But none of that will bring her back home to me. My mom was my best friend and the only person I truly trusted with anything. She was the person who could've saved me if she were still here. My mom gave me a silver ring with 'You are loved. Stay strong' engraved on the side when I was ten. It's as if she knew one day I would be in the predicament I'm in currently. I'm sixteen now and I've worn this ring every day since it was given to me. The thought had occurred in my mind that my dead mother was looking down at me and frowning with displeasure. I gazed down on my ring, read the words my mom left for me and whispered "I never meant to disappoint you mommy". You have to believe me but I just couldn't take the pain anymore.
On my walk, I passed the vibrant green trees that held the memories of my childhood in each branch as they swayed peacefully in the wind. In the time span of when we were released from school and when our mothers would call us in for dinner, my friends and I would climb the towering trees like monkeys. That was back when we had no other worries other than reaching the top first so we could get to see the most beautiful sunset over the lake. My mom used to say that when the sun was setting onto the lakes water, it meant that God was using his powers to bring peace to the land and to our home. That story always brought me a certain level of harmony within my heart.
Those trees were right across from the old bridge hovering over the lake. That was what sucked the life out of my mom and left her soulless body to rot. It was a frigid December evening when my mom's car spun out of control due to the ice on the road. Her car flew off of the bridge and landed into the water. Her lungs filled with the disgusting fluid living in the lake until finally she was put out of her misery and took her last breath. Every time I shut my eyes, I see my mother gasping for air and screaming for help. I couldn't look at the bridge anymore without falling to my knees and balling my eyes out. I took one last glance at the setting of her death and whispered, "Goodbye mother, I'll see you soon". The walk to my personal death continued.
When I finally reached my high school, I disabled the alarm system therefore when I went inside, the cops wouldn't bust me. Consider it a gift taught by my older brother. Quietly I did what I had to do and opened the door with an almost doubtful look on my face. But it worked and no alarms went off. As I proceeded to the stairs leading to the rooftop I was thinking about everything wrong that had ever occurred in my life. Maybe I was making sure I had the guts to go through with it but maybe it was just everything hitting me at once. But, it doesn't matter what I was thinking about or what my sob story is. What matters is that I made it to the top of the roof and no one was there to stop me because no one noticed I was gone.
While I was on the edge of death, I was picturing my mom standing by my side and holding my hand through it all. I needed her more than anyone else but she couldn't be with me. I was screaming and crying just asking, "Why did it have to end this way? Why did you leave me? Why did you take her from me?"
Without thinking, I threw that senseless ring off the roof and jumped. Part of me wondered if I should like do a flip or something but I didn't. The plan was that I would fall until I hit the ground. But the thing is, I didn't hit the cold hard cement and I didn't die. Someone caught me. My eyes fluttered open to see a dark haired boy with dark brown mysterious eyes and tan skin holding my ring and my quivering body.
The stranger said "Did you lose a little something?" as he was holding up the ring my mother gave me.
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Saved
Teen FictionEveryone has a past which is where their sob story starts. Everyone has pain and time consuming problems but you all need to know that you will be saved. You're on a path with obstacles but when you over come them, you'll have a beautiful reward. Yo...