Heart and Soul.

I can still remember

I can still feel the panic that coursed through my body when you told me to sit on your lap. 

I can still feel your breath on my neck as you tell me to grab a blanket. 

I can still feel your hands on my body in places it shouldn't be. 

I can still hear my cousin laughing in the next room over, no clue as to what's happening over here. 

I can still hear the way your voice was calm yet sticky. Icky. 

I can still remember the plans I made to get away. The way they never worked. 

I can still remember when you took my tiny hand in yours and tried to make me touch you. 

I can still remember the look on Mom's face when I told her. 

I can still remember the way her voice broke as she excused herself to the restroom, leaving me there to wonder what I did wrong. 

I can still remember the way I begged her not to tell dad. 

I can still remember the way she came back out. Looking as if our world hadn't just changed. 

I can still remember the moment we got home, dad came up to me apologizing. 

I can still remember the way dad's eyes showed no emotion. 

I can still remember being sent to my room. 

I can still remember the way my big sister cried, broke in my arms, wishing it was her and not me. 

I can still remember the doctors visit. The thorough examination. 

I can still remember the police station, they made me call you. 

I can still remember the manipulation in her  voice as she told me it didn't happen. 

but you didn't sit through it. 

I can still remember the moment my dad chose you over me. 

But i thought I was your babygirl? 

God, I can still remember the change in my dad's personality. 

I can still remember the way he'd look at me with disgust. 

I can still feel the loneliness as I sat in my room crying, wondering why dad doesn't love me anymore. 

I can still remember the feeling of accepting I am not longer dad's babygirl. 

I can still remember.