Kyle and Jess

Kyle.

"You enjoying your oats?" I ask carefully, watching him as he licks his spoons. He nods. We are sitting in the kitchen across from each other. There is just the sound of spoons clicking on Bowls. There is a lot I want to say and ask, but I have always been so scared of him, as if I had no right to be in his presence. It had been two days since he had moved in with me. "You excited about school?" I ask. "I am more nervous", he says with a breath. I was 20 years old when I had him. A young single student, I did not think I was fit to be a mother. He was the sweetest boy ever. Each time I left, he always accepted me with open arms. I felt guilty and undeserving of his love, so I kept him at a distance. I didn't want to let him down any more than I had.

My then boyfriend, Michael, dumped me 3 months after I told him about the pregnancy. I was so angry with this child, because I felt that if he were not there, then maybe Michael would never have left. After Kyle was born, I just could not connect with him. I felt like he was one of the things that took from me. It just did not seem fair that I was meant to give so much to him, after he had done the complete opposite for me. A selfish way of thinking, I only saw my pain. I was a child faced with the biggest responsibility anyone could ever have. I was going to be mother every day for the next however many years. The job had started and I had to show up for it. On his first birthday, a song started playing, he started casually dancing, and the lady that was helping me around the house turns to me and says, "He is going to be a great dancer. From that day on, I started seeing how much he acted like Michael. The way his eyes lit when music started playing, or how he licked every single part of his utensils, after he was finished eating. I had tried so much to forget, but now here was an everyday reminder for the rest of my life. One drink became two, then three and then I could not count anymore. I was not present most days, but at least I would forget for a while. Then one day after I had put Kyle to bed, I sneaked out to a club with my friends. Kyle was already sleeping through the night, and I was sure to come back before he woke up. I remember waking up to my phone buzzing the next day in my car, with a bad headache, and then realising that I had slept in my car. I drove home; feeling like my heart would leave my chest anytime. I was lucky that my Grandmother, we call her Mimi, came for a visit early morning, and found the door unlocked, with Kyle happily playing with his toys in his room. I had to go 3 months to rehab. I never forgave myself for leaving him that night, and every time he looked at me, I felt like he remembered.

"Can I visit Mimi this weekend?" he asks. "Sure", I reply painfully. It broke my heart, that he had only been here for two days and already he wanted to be away from me. It wasn't a surprise that Kyle and Mimi formed a bond so early on. She had also raised me, and we too shared a bond like no other. I remember on Kyle's sixth birthday, I was sitting in the kitchen drinking coffee, watching him and Mimi play with the leaves, in his favourite Spiderman socks. Their laughs could be heard miles away. He sat on her lap, with his head on her shoulder, slightly tilted up, so he could look at her. They stayed that way for a while, just looking at each other. I felt so left out, wanting more than anything to be a part of that perfect picture. I envied their effortless bond. It was as if they were made for each other. The way she could soothe him in a matter of minutes. The way she would lovingly look into his face when he was asleep, wrapped up closely in her arms. The jumps from the bed when he would suddenly cry at night. Sometimes I would catch her looking at him, playing with his toys or just doing something, how they would be a sudden glimmer in her eyes. It was like all her hopes and dreams were placed on that very moment. Why couldn't I feel that way about my own child? What was wrong with me? The older he got, the more I felt him drift further and further away from me. I disqualified myself without even trying. There was this fear that I would mess him up, just as I had been messed up. "Do you have a boyfriend?" he asks suddenly. I look up at him, feeling my cheeks flush. "No", I reply flatly. "A girlfriend?" he asks again. I let out a laugh, and he smiles. "Why? I ask curiously. Mimi says that she hasn't seen you with a man in years, and she was beginning to wonder, if maybe you like girls". I open my mouth in surprise. "Wow", I exclaim. It was true, after college, I had kept my focus on my small skin care business, which fortunately had been successful. I have buried myself in my work, determined to stay sober for Kyle. "No, I don't have either", I say with a nod. "What about you?" I tease him. He shakes his head. "No way, Mimi would sock me", he releases a chuckle, and I join in his laugh.

I catch him stealing glances at me by the corner of my eye. I realised, as much as I was scared so was he. We were like two complete strangers meeting for the first time. Those days I had spent visiting and watching him and Mimi interact, did not count at all. Those scenarios I had made up in my mind about the mother and son duo we could be, did not count either. 13 years later and we were starting over. "What?" I ask. He shrugs his shoulders. "Come on, tell me". He takes a breath, toying with his spoon. "Mimi told me I shouldn't say anything...but... uhm...is it okay... you know, if I join music at school?" He is still toying with his spoon, but I knows he is waiting for a response. There had been so much fear on my side as far as him being more like Michael than me. Who is to say he was like Michael? One of the best people I knew raised him, and he was half of me, then he could not be that bad at all. My heart broke that he was scared to talk to me about his dreams, because I had spent most of his life making him pay for a mistake he did not even do. The silence is painfully loud. This is a fear I did not think I would have to face this soon in his life. If Kyle was indeed more like Michael, it is a truth I would have to accept. "You play?" I ask. "Just piano and guitar, please don't be mad at Mimi, she didn't know until a few months ago". I can hear the nervousness and sadness in his voice. "Guitar and piano? That is impressive Kyle", I say placing my hand on his. He looks at our hands, and for a minute, I wonder if I have done something wrong. "I have written something, nothing complete", he says shyly. "I'd like to listen to it, if that's okay"? He looks up at me for the first time today. The light coming from the kitchen window makes the grey in his eyes more evident, and for the first time, I catch a glimpse of myself in him. He does not say anything back, he just releases a cheesy smile, and I am relieved that I might have a chance after all.